Melissa Hamm

Forever overthinking and underperforming.

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

"I would do anything for love, but I can't go for that."
-Hall and Loaf

[David Gardner @byDavidGardner]

I don’t know, man, maybe some dudes from the 1700s who owned people and would be mystified by the sight of a dishwasher weren’t right about everything in perpetuity

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

"Don't all these mass shootings and lack of free health care and being stripped of your rights just make you want to move to another country?"

"Idk man. That means I'd have to find a new dentist, and that sounds like a lot of work."

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

(Not to mention the very obvious fact that yes, many people *are* forced to have sex.)

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

"You're saying the mugger forced you to hand over your wallet? No one forced you to get a job."

[Nina Bargiel, probably @slackmistress]

@AbortionFunds "Alito argues that the 1973 abortion rights ruling ...invented a right mentioned nowhere in the Constitution."

And there's nothing in the rulebook that says dogs can't play basketball.

They just gutted abortion rights BY AIR BUD RULES.

[[email protected] why not @rebeccawatson]

wow it must suck to have a leak result in the birth of something you deeply regret

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

You can put mustard on a burger. You can put ketchup on a burger.

You can put mustard on a hot dog. You can put ketchup on a hot dog.

You can put mustard on a turkey sandwich.

[George Conway ⚖️🇺🇸 @gtconway3d]

Mother help us

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

Four hun-dred fif-ty one degrees.
Burning down the books.

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

To add insult to injury, I just sat up abruptly, thinking I might have to 🤢, and I got a Charlie horse! 🙃🐎

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

Me: I'm really enjoying my long birthday weekend! I wish it didn't have to come to an end.

The Universe: Here, have some norovirus.

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

@robbiedorman Yessss! I've been looking forward to this one!

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

I'm normally very appreciative of all my birthday gifts.

But.

Whoever gave me norovirus, I would like to return it thank you.

[Emily Murnane @emily_murnane]

Every pleasure is a guilty pleasure when u grow up Catholic

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

Turtle

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

The CDC is now recommending that you tug on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, pull the mask off that ol’ Lone Ranger and that you mess around with Jim

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

"Everything I Need" by Melissa Ferrick

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

It's Christmas day! Time to rap drunk and get presents!

[Melissa Hamm @Wrailyn]

It's Christmas Eve! Time to get drunk and wrap presents!