Writers's Tips

The kind of straightforward advice we wished we'd had setting out on our career as unpublished writers.

[Writers's Tips @WriterssTips]

Remember always to refer to your characters by their second name like they are in the army or something. Unless they are a child or a woman or an animal.

[Writers's Tips @WriterssTips]

"Forget about it" Jim said. "Hey, forget about it" replied Muttonchop. Fitzmichael chimed in "Forget about it". "Yeah, yeah," Old-Guy Jessops said "forget about it." "Sure," Julia Braintree interjected, "let's bounce." #AuthenticDialogue

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PLOT IDEA - Someone retired from crime or the police or intelligence or something is asked to do one last job. They regretfully decline, citing poor health.

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PLOT IDEA - someone retired from crime or the police or intelligence or something is brought back in to do one more job and, boy, let me tell you it's a rough one! He's like "I remember why I left!"

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RADIO 4 AFTERNOON PLAY IDEA- 1950s London: three generations of women are torn apart, or brought closer together, when the youngest starts a relationship with a black man.

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Give your writing the respect it deserves by making a dedicated space for it in your house. e.g. a bin.

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Relocate your novel from London to Devon or Cornwall by replacing all the placenames with Newquay or Barnstaple.

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Seem more cultured with the following phrase: "what the French might call". E.g. "What the French might call 'la petit mort'"; "on what the French might call 'les chaises'"; "in what the French might call 'Londres'".

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"Beneath Brunt Mickelman's legendary, grease-soaked brawn lay a man of many contradictions. Or did there? He had a heart, like any man; he had a couple of atria. He had a left and right ventricle same as anybody. Except his heart was the heart of a poet." #Intro

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"Aphroditi Bangfuehrer had a body that curved in all the right places & none of the wrong ones. She had a bum for sitting on, & her legs reached the floor when standing. Hair? Let me tell you. There was hair. & breasts; two; count 'em. Lips? Don't get me started on lips."" #Intro

[Writers's Tips @WriterssTips]

I don't often write in long-hand, but when I do write in long-hand, I write in long-hand on paper. Paper; it's paper.

[Writers's Tips @WriterssTips]

I don't often write in long-hand, but when I do write in long-hand, I write in long-hand with a black bic crystal. Bic crystal; writes first-time, every time.

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There's no rocket science to writing a Booker winner. It always goes to the one who manages to get the most semi-colons into a single sentence.

[Writers's Tips @WriterssTips]

Separating your novel into Acts or Parts? Bit "look at me". Chapter breaks? Bit old-fashioned. White space? Who needs it. Breathing points in sentences? Please! Readers? Who needs them?

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Go to the classics when stuck for a plot. In the 17th book of my Monster Trucks cycle Ozzie is cut into pieces, reassembled and then brought back to life. Only they never find his penis.

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If you can't write because of "the pram in the hallway" consider selling it on ebay. Who has a pram these days? Also; tripping hazard.

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Got a fantastic story here about a brilliant writing coach that gently coaxes pupils into dropping their Mary Sue characters.

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In 2019 I'm writing a novel in which a middle-aged man overcomes his porn addiction by taking part in Monster Truck fairs, or vice versa. Actually Vice Versa is not a bad title.

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#JeSuisMumbler3

[Writers's Tips @WriterssTips]

Writing a novel in the 1st person? Why not add a bit at the start how the ms was found in strange circumstances. Won't be at all tedious.