Zach Partin

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

One day, I’ll be grown enough to walk up the stairs at night w/o checking behind me for monsters.

Today is not that day...

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Just saw a kid wearing a “Class of 2040” shirt.

That concept feels imaginary.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

I miss when IG meme accounts posted actual memes and not just Twitter screenshots and clips from movies & tv shows

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Y’all my prize hen’s just laid seven eggs! So I’m gonna have at seven more chickens in a few weeks! Can’t wait for these lil guys to hatch so I can finally meet them! #ChickenDaddy

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

After several unsuccessful attempts, I’ve determined that in order to transport a cart, it must not be placed ahead of a horse, as the horse lacks the necessary motor functions to efficiently push the cart. Therefore, another order in which the two entities must align is the key.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Fisherman: [hands over fish] This should hold you over for at least a day.

Man: Thank you. How did you catch this, by the way?

Fisherman: [cracks his knuckles] You’re about to be set for your whole gotdamn life.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Guys I just figured out that my glass house’s second-story balcony is the perfect spot to throw stones from.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Boss: You’ve done a great job this quarter. As a bonus, I’d like to gift you this horse.

Employee: Uh, thanks, but I don’t really have a place for-

Horse: Look in my mouth.

Employee: …Why would I-?

Horse Dentist: You really shouldn’t do that.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

I love seeing dog owners with dogs that don’t match their vibe. Like I just saw guy with face tats walking a Labradoodle. On paper, those two things don’t go together, but they looked like a match made in heaven.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Just saw a guy crying in a gas station bathroom stall with the door wide open, wiping his tears with toilet paper.

No matter what kind of day I have, it’ll be better than that guy’s.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Forgot I had YouTube on autoplay until I was 12 minutes into the video “20 Minutes of Silence”

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

I was today years old when I realized that a nickelback (the football position) and Nickelback (the Canadian rock band) have the same name

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

The coolest part about being the pope has to be all of the capes you get to wear

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Do you think Dobby is short for Dobert? #HarryPotter

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Hey I ain’t had a Hot Pocket in like 3 years

Why’d they take away the sleeve?

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Dick Van Dyke’s been real quiet since we lost Betty White. He must be hiding from Death’s cold grasp.

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

@AmandaMAtwell lol u mad

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

Additionally, @Klondikebar could host a competition where ppl submit videos of them doing stunts or making trick shots or sum, and the winner gets a cash prize and a ton of Klondike Bars

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

@Klondikebar should sponsor hardcore stunts like Red Bull, make commercials out of them, and end each one with their slogan “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”

[Zach Partin @ZTPartin]

You okay man? I noticed that you’ve been Jujuing off-beat lately