Zach Galifianakis

Not affiliated with Zach Galifianakis. Fan/Parody account.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

Those ninja movements you make when you're about to drop your phone.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

Life is just like a penis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the women that make it hard.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail...

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

Son: Mommy I don't wanna visit grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging!

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

That awesome moment when you are telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

*Hearing people speak another language*
5% I wish I could speak that.
95% Those bitches better not be talking about me.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

9 out of 10 guys like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

Doing something weird and thinking "this is why I'm not in a relationship".

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

Mi papá tiene 47 años = my dad is 47 years old.

Mi papa tiene 47 anos = my potato has 47 assholes.

I love Spanish.

[Zach Galifianakis @Zach_Gali]

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.