Zack Ares

Content Creator & English Teacher
Drummer in "Why Lions?" & Editor of "WarPorn"
Audiophile - Media Junkie - Obsessive Thinker
--
Sometimes, I get called Kevin.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Hey @dunkindonuts did you change your coffee lids? Spilled half of the hot coffee on the highway all over my new car’s suede seats and all over my pants. I was soaked in the burning liquid.

I’m not happy.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

My extremely hot wife is having an allergy flare up from our cats.

No one has ever made the sniffles and a runny nose look so beautiful.

I love my very hot and hopelessly allergic to cats wife.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Things about my hot wife (who I love):

1. She is hot.
B. I love her.
iii. Is my wife.
4. I love how hot (& also my wife) she is.

This is the best list ever. #list

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Where was this “pink pony club” song back when I was watching MLP FiM in High School????

Not me just outing myself as a brony.😬

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

*12:50am*

Apple Watch: time to stand up!

Me: no, it the fuck isn’t.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Don’t be fooled by the beard.

The drinks I recommended are those girly shits with the umbrellas.

Every craft beer is an affront to the taste buds.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

The Powerpuff Girls end credits theme goes so fucking hard bro. So. Hard.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

I fucking love yelling at my tv. Gotta be like top 7 or 8 on my list of things to go on living for.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

My beautiful wife is so kind and good to me.

I love my beautiful, kind, lovely, hot wife.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Wait…

I have the right to the “pursuit” of happiness. Not a right to “be happy”?

You think you have a right to joy, but really you’re just being tricked into providing labor.

I think I hate it here, you guys.

[The Black Hokage @TheBlackHokage]

Underrated scene from Lords Of The Rings 🙏🏾

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

I just realized I’m so pale, I am the cause of glare on my TV set.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Sometimes I drink milk that’s gone bad.

But it’s only ever on accident, and (immediately after a spit take) I run my mouth under the sink until I stop crying.

Other than that I swear I’m a good person.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Happy New Year!
I’m fucking blind!

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

If I could teleport, the FIRST place I’d go is a foot and a half to the left.

People who say literally anything else are crazy. You have no idea how dangerous this ability is, no idea ramifications or effects, and you wanna test drive this to the Eiffel Tower!?!

Just reckless.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

I had a bagel.

Now I have butter on my phone.

Fuck the middles of stories.

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Breaking News: this glowy light flying motor fan ball thing apparently made without electronics.

Or, it’s just a toy you’d like to buy for yourself because you think it’s cool. But instead buy it for your kids and justify it by insulting their passions.

Adults are so cool!

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

All I want for Christmas is more episodes of The Animorphs Book Club. @Animorphin

[Zack Ares @Zack_Ares]

Only us cool kids have had tinnitus since before we could buckle our own car seat.

I assume you’re applauding.