Lizzy

#fuckcancer Dodgers fan from SF UofU women’s college basketball I was a force but now I am just tired. “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

"Your life is tedious & brief." #happyfriday

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@iamalmostlegend No arrests, no cruises, no skinny dipping lol.

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@musicmaned @PaulMayne6 Ruth is gorgeous! Good luck to you both! I hope it’s an easy recovery.

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@ComatoseGoat @StephenKing Barnes & Noble is not a school.

[Stephen King @StephenKing]

They banned DIFFERENT SEASONS in Utah. Contains STAND BY ME and THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, stories of friendship and courage. Readable by teens, too. What's wrong with these people?

[Mr. Christopher @iamalmostlegend]

A news segment showed a Facebook post from the mother of one of Nolan Wells’ friends saying how much they loved Nolan and he had been to their house a few times.

I posted this comment under the video, because this is something I’ve known and felt since childhood:

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@iamalmostlegend How many times has she celebrated her 38th birthday?

[𐡀 @Xyleniqq]

My neighbor, Ed, was ninety one. Lived alone. Had a cat named Mr. Buttons.

Ed died three weeks ago. Heart attack. Quiet. Quick.

I didn't know him well. We'd wave. Small talk about the weather. That's it.

Two days after he died, there's a knock on my door.

It's Ed's daughter. I'd never met her.

Ed's daughter: Hi. I'm Rachel. Ed's daughter.

Me: Oh. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Rachel: Thank you. I'm here about the cat.

Me: The cat?

Rachel: Mr. Buttons. My dad left instructions. He wanted you to take him.

Me: What?

Rachel: He left a note. Said you were the only person on the street who didn't hate the cat.

Me: I don't even know the cat.

Rachel: Apparently you fed him once.

I tried to remember. Then it clicked.

Six months ago, Ed was out of town. He asked if I'd feed Mr. Buttons for two days. I said yes. I fed the cat. That was it.

Me: I fed him one time.

Rachel: Well, he left the cat to you.

Me: I don't want a cat.

Rachel: Neither do I. I'm allergic.

Me: So take him to a shelter.

Rachel: He's eighteen years old. No one's going to adopt him.

Me: That's not my problem.

Rachel: Please. I'll pay for his food. I just need someone to take him.

My wife appeared behind me.

My wife: We'll take him.

Me: What?

My wife: We'll take the cat.

Rachel looked relieved.

Rachel: Really?

My wife: Yes. Bring him over.

Rachel left. I turned to my wife.

Me: We're not cat people.

My wife: Ed left you his cat. We're taking the cat.

Me: I don't want a cat.

My wife: Too bad.

An hour later, Rachel showed up with Mr. Buttons. He's the ugliest cat I've ever seen. One eye. Half a tail. Looks like he lost a fight with a lawnmower.

Rachel: He's very sweet.

She handed me a carrier and left.

I put the carrier in the living room and opened it.

Mr. Buttons walked out, looked at me, and hissed.

Me: Great.

For three days, the cat hid under the couch. Wouldn't eat. Wouldn't come out.

My wife: Maybe he's grieving.

Me: He's a cat.

My wife: Cats grieve.

On day four, I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and Mr. Buttons jumps up next to me.

Just sits there.

I didn't move.

He curled up and fell asleep.

Now he follows me everywhere. Kitchen. Garage. Bathroom.

My wife thinks it's hilarious.

My wife: He loves you.

Me: I don't love him.

My wife: Yes you do.

Last week I took him to the vet. Spent $300 on bloodwork.

The vet said he's in good shape for eighteen.

I told my wife.

My wife: See? He's going to be around for a while.

Me: That's not comforting.

Yesterday I caught myself talking to him.

Me: You want dinner?

Mr. Buttons meowed.

Me: Yeah, me too.

My wife walked in.

My wife: Are you talking to the cat?

Me: No.

She smiled.

I'm a cat person now.

I hate it.

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@iamalmostlegend Ahh but you have a good side…..

[Cats with Aura 😺 @catwithaura]

This is koko, our cat. This is NOT our house

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

The best argument against white supremacy is white supremacists.

[NoelCaslerComedy @caslernoel]

You try opening a garbage truck door in shoe lifts and a girdle while you’re high AF wearing Depends and balancing a dead ferret on your head dressed like a ginger bread man picking up some baggage handler shifts. Sh*t aint easy, y’all. Vote Blue.

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@iamalmostlegend @derrold @WTFinSoCal What a game!!!

[Los Angeles Dodgers @Dodgers]

#DodgersWin!

FINAL: #Dodgers 7, Yankees 6

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

Jackass

[megamikey (진수)🇰🇷🇺🇸 @megamikey114]

@DodgersNation Hope Mookie washed his hands after that. He looks like Gollum with his precious.

[megamikey (진수)🇰🇷🇺🇸 @megamikey114]

@DodgersNation Hope Mookie washed his hands after that. He looks like Gollum with his precious.

[Lizzy @ZapLizzyP]

@drclairetaylor I love my electric kettle! My countrymen don’t use them? Fools! Seriously tho I was introduced to it by a coworker. She used it at her desk every day.

[Klein25 @Klein25]

This isn’t a tough decision. You EXTEND Teoscar Hernandez who has hit 30 home runs for the Dodgers.