schrödinger's douchebag

brevity, levity, and depression.

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

It's always, "hey I heard your dad has cancer" and never, "here's a million dollars no strings attached" or "I figured out how to get your fiancée to America" or "I cured your dad's cancer." 😕

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

Oh my god, of course

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

@tstijerina It can either be the best or the worst chair we've all ever sat on

[Rufus Kubica @RufusBlackwood]

The best thing you're going to see today.

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

I've seen some horrible things

[Gail Walden @GailWalden6]

I have a few good years left and a lot of bad years

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

Now we've done it.

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

Can we do this?

[LeVar Burton @levarburton]

Happy Friday, y’all!

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

Hungry for apples?

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

I wish it took two hands to write. My left hand feels so useless watching the other one preform

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

@CincoBadHombres Ambiguous

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

Cream of the crop of Egyptian manhood

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

@tstijerina Super AIDS

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

Got my fiancée sick while we're in Holland on vacation. It feels bad. It really feels bad

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

They don't tell you this but.. it doesn't matter if your girl looks like a truck if you like trucks 👀

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

*Something potentially horrible goes smoothly*

Them: see, you had nothing to worry about

Me: I HAD EVERYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

@patijerina Yes

[schrödinger's douchebag @Zephandor]

I feel so bad when a friend makes a dank joke, but I'm not in the mood to laugh