Zoe Muller

I got one hand in my pocket & the other ones flicking a cigarette #everythingsgonnabefinefinefine

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Hey @JohnMayer when you come to Boston you can hang out with us!!!

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Omg I’ve always been obsessed w bugs life and had a human sized Dot doll & da da da years later Disney + comes out don’t have kids but I have puppies that love Disney movies.. any who just realized Haden Pattiere was my favorite lil bug ever brings me to tears 😭 thank you Gf

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Spending all your time tryna break a woman down, realer shit is goin on baby take a look around

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Some customer said “you’re hilarious by the way!” Today and actually made my whole fucking life. YEARS of being so funny and I finally get recognized for it so thank you cool hot mom with French braids you have made the Murphy’s Law Sunday well worth it 😁😊

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

I love my puppy don’t get me wrong but he also makes me want to take him out into the wilderness and say “run free!” Never. Having. Children.

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

How is acting in porn THAT bad come on 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

@OliviaParsons14 No I was doing that

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

You know you’re a fucking bored loser when you go on a comment bender on meme IG accounts 😑

[Cardi B @iamcardib]

I’m calling 911

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Jason Momoa, The Rock and Chris Hemsworth are all sexy fucking dad friends what I would DO to get an invite to one of their cool outs

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

@OliviaParsons14 The best

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

I legit get 100 phone calls a day asking for Paul I am not and will not ever be this Paul person

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

I just let my dad go at an intersection and he gave me the most half ass insincere ‘thank you’ wave. Well then, fuck you too DAD sorry for accidentally leaving the freezer open all those years get over it okay

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

For whatever reason in 8th grade they made us make parody’s to songs we liked about STDS. Eleven years later & still can’t listen to any 2010 jam without thinking about crabs :(

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

@OliviaParsons14 I know you were her on spirit day but Kim k is a hobbit watch the South Park episode. You’re welcome

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

@OliviaParsons14 People beeping at me driving rude af

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Everyone’s a cunt

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

@annalisewhite Milk or apple cider vinegar usually works for me 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m sure you hate both so good luck sorry to hear it just know there’s also ppl out there who can empathize w you 😩 god speed my friend

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

Heart burn is an ailment sent directly from Satan (literally it’s always the delicious red sauce) & those few chosen ones that don’t know this pain need to not say, “oh I don’t get heart burn.” Whenever I openly bitch about mine. (: thank u

[Zoe Muller @Zoe_Muller]

@PabstBlueRyan21 God I love ur brain