Zwift News Network

Integrity. Honesty. Respect. None of that nonsense here, we are the Zwift News Network. HI FROM OHIO

*SATIRE*

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

ZNN has just learned that "Prime Minister" is not a cannibalistic cut of meat but is in fact a former job title of a man whose parents were so poor they could afford no better name than "Boris".

We're not sure what this has to do with Zwift, but rest assured we'll find out.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

BREAKING: ZHQ announces mass layoffs and pivot of corporate strategy days after @zwiftcast retirement. “What’s the point?” said one staffer, speaking under the condition of anonymity, “What’s Zwift without a Zwiftcast?”

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Road Grand Tours debuts new "WahooRGT" branding on social media today following their acquisition by the cycling technology and accessory manufacturer.

"We're excited to bring dozens of new customers to the Wahoo family" said a spokesperson.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

BREAKING: Elon Musk buys twitter for $44bn, prompting rumors of an acquisition of @ZwiftInsider by Jeff Bezos. (But not the Jeff Bezos you're thinking of.)

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Zwift team shocked to learn that 30 is not the same as 100; after experiencing ridicule for announcing a 30 day long 100 day challenge.

“Maybe this is why our code is so buggy?” said one anonymous developer, “You think numbers matter in code, too?”

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

What a great run this has been! As you’ve probably noticed, ZNN has been active less and less. An opportunity came up this week that I couldn’t pass up. The @ZwiftNews Twitter handle has been sold to the Peloton corporation for an undisclosed sum. Thanks for all the laughs!

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Zwift announces discontinuation of support for ancient operating systems citing hampered development progress.

Zwifters hope this excised developmental dead weight will prompt an overhaul of the equally ancient Zwift UI.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

@TheDean_23 I love you.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

�� 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩Zwift’s social media managers 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Zwift competitor CVRCade teases 9th launch in 3 years with a new version abandoning all the principles of the old version. Instead, this version appears to add useful features and pleasant graphics.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

@gazza_d @MarkHewitt1978 With 17 buttons, you only need to learn how to push 3 per day for a week. I imagine your caretaker can help you with that.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Global Facebook outage eliminates need for ZNN team to use multi-platform publishing tool. Can tweet directly. This is a developing story.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

ZNN reached out to Zwift PR today to discuss rumors that they may be paying off journalists in exchange for favorable press.

Our reporting found this to be false. Zwift's rapid pace of development and exquisite product are all that's coming out of Long Beach.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

@SteveSm51020617 @zwiftinsider Thanks for your feedback. A customer service representative will be with you shortly.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

BREAKING: @ZwiftInsider attempts, poorly, to enter into the Zwift satire race.

“There’s like one competitor who never shows up anyway” said Eric Schlange (pronounced Shlangie), “And worst case scenario we still win silver.”

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

@NickLinford @zwiftinsider Really?

We thought this profile photo in our replies was HILARIOUS.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Zwift releases latest update announcing new features, an updated user interface, a more efficient game engine and support for greater user customizability.

LOL jk.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Civil litigation and fitness company Peloton announces karmic recall of their treadmill product.

“After a lengthy discussion about whether killing children was a bad thing, we came to the conclusion that it could be bad for business.”

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

CVRCade announces diversification attempt, entering into the field of aviation to supplement the virtual cycling business. Leaked photos show the first CVRPlane, which the company hopes will be available for sale by year end.

[Zwift News Network @ZwiftNews]

Container ship blocking Suez Canal blamed for the delay of features promised by Zwift. “A refreshed HUD and native group support were on that ship”, said a person familiar with Zwift’s logistics team.