Ash

Just like Ken Barlow, Julia Roberts is a Red #MUFC

[DEJI @just_deji_]

Those kids probably think they love their father more than me 🤣

[Alice VL @RiseAgainstEvil]

When I was 9, my mom ran our house like a Soviet ice-cream rationing program; one measly ice-cream per week, per child. As the eldest of four, I took this as a personal insult to my developing capitalist soul.

So I did what any reasonable entrepreneur would do; I cut a deal with the ice-cream man. His currency? My mom’s Benson & Hedges. One cigarette = one glorious, brain-freezing ice-cream. At her one-pack-a-day habit, that worked out to four ice-creams daily. I was living the dream, basically a pint-sized Pablo Escobar with sprinkles.

Of course, my Mom eventually noticed her cigarettes were evaporating faster than my ppcket-money. Suddenly she was carrying them like they were the nuclear codes (tucked in her bra, basically Fort Knox with nicotine).

Plan B had to be made; the ice-cream man, bless his shady heart, opened me a line of credit. “Pay me at the end of the month.” I was nine with an ice-cream tab. I felt like a queen made of sugar.

End of the month rolls around. Doorbell rings. I peek out the window and there he is; Mr. Ola turned leg-breaker, holding a little notebook that apparently contained my entire criminal empire.

I have never run faster in my life. Skinny little chicken legs? More like Olympic-grade getaway sticks. I vaulted fences, dodged rose bushes, and probably set a land-speed record for a 9-year-old powered exclusively by shame and lactose.

My Mom answered the door, had a calm adult conversation, paid the man, and that was the day the ice-cream man was officially banned from our house forever.

After that, whenever I hear that creepy bicycle bell approaching, my fight-or-flight kicks in and I’m halfway down the block before I remember I’m 55 and have health insurance. Childhood trauma now in mint chip flavor.

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@AlternativeMUFC

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@LDNRED_United You're too kind

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@utdforever7 @ManUtd @premierleague Should hold himself to the same standards, any BTEC qualified manager would have got more out of the team last year. Needs to sort it out and get a good start or he's out of the door by xmas

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@gunsnrosesgirl3 Vintage 😭😭😭

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@BillyMeredithMU We've been through enough ffs

[Statman Dave @StatmanDave]

There are 2,654 players who’ve featured across Europe’s top five leagues this season. Bruno Fernandes is the only one who has both made 70+ tackles and created 70+ chances.

The most complete player in the world. That’s a fact. ✅

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@ManUtd Cash in and sell loads of seats as hospitality to away fans that usually gets the atmosphere going

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@nqatpod Hahaha ffs

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@Altgthr Endless tweets about PSR

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@CantonasCoIIar @_Ryan0161_ what you reckon?

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@CPFC Embarrassing for both of us

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@utdforever7 It's plastic as fuck

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

We got our medical team of temu ffs

[Magic hat 🎩 @themagic_tophat]

They’re accused of using the limitless resources of a state to corrupt the sporting integrity of the Premier League, rendering it a rigged competition; by subverting the rules and committing fraud, whilst refusing to respect the authority of the PL to ensure the competition’s integrity. A.k.a breaking the rules and then carrying on as if they shouldn’t apply to them.

That’s what they’re accused of.

And that’s why, when they’re found liable, the club should be permanently expelled from the league until the owners sell the club.

[CULTRAS: The Culture Ultras @thecultraspod]

Roy Cropper x The Enemy

The Street Won’t Forget

#Cobblesman @JamieHComedy

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@nqatpod Turned toxic 01/09 🖐

[Ash @_Ash_MUFC_]

@oasis @TicketmasterUK @Twickets Tramps agreeing to dynamic pricing