Alejandro

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

@paigevalles_ ALWAYS

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

@BassHeadBella Re fucking tweet

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Just had the final interview to be on a tv game show and the casting lady asked what we would do with the money if we win and my friend said “mostly cocaine.” She said “great but since it’s a family show I’ll just write take a nice vacation”

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

@partaypaul *super fucking pumped

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

A bobcat jumped into our backyard and my mom read online to pee outside to mark your territory. So for the past week I’ve been in a high octane desert piss war with a feral feline

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Mentioned to my dentist I’m single and he said one of the receptionists was single and then called her into the room. But he kept cleaning my teeth so I couldn’t even talk. I waved. She said hi. Dentist said “He’s never had a cavity.” I gave a thumbs up. She left.

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

As an adult I go to brunch instead of church and find God at the bottom of a mimosa

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Why is it so hard to raise a plant? One keeps dying and the other refuses to talk to me

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Trying to do hw but there’s two middle aged people on a first date. As the woman was in the middle of saying how she hasn’t felt love since her divorce the guy cut her off and said “let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about dogs.” Homework will have to wait. This is good

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Drives me crazy how ppl on the Bachelor never touch the food at dinner. I would simply say “Tell me about yourself” then proceed to eat both plates while nodding and saying “that’s cool” every 30 seconds. Then in the finale I would give the final rose to the chef #BachelorNation

[Joseph Gordon-Levitt @hitRECordJoe]

#Friday

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

There’s nothing worse than a random ass toddler walking up to me in public. Then I have to fake smile and pretend I think they’re cute as their parents say “oh come on bradley leave him alone haha.” fuck you put your gremlin on a leash before I punt it across this Whole Foods

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Windows down, tits out, Fruit Salad by the Wiggles playing full blast

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

@caitlynsnowman I call it Cheeto Sunset

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

I see trump is getting in the fall spirit by choosing “rotting pumpkin” as his shade of spray tan

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

@ClarisaWithOneS You get the 30% Nike discount

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Onlyfans but I just give you private tutoring in any math/science related subjects. If you get an A on a test I’ll twerk for 14 seconds

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

@caitlynsnowman Hey at least we saw it in a cool location

[Alejandro @_McJandro]

Taking off each other’s face mask is now considered getting to first base

[Barack Obama @BarackObama]

I wrote out some thoughts on how to make this moment a real turning point to bring about real change––and pulled together some resources to help young activists sustain the momentum by channeling their energy into concrete action. https://t.co/jEczrOeFdv