ń .

. crazysexycool: a journal .

[ń . @____damned]

the most uncomfortable part of growing up is becoming so hyper-aware of my own mortality that it freaks me out of wanting to live at all. the more i learn the more i realize i don't know. the learning curve of being alive is so steep, but mortality is still the ultimate lesson .

[ń . @____damned]

i allocated so much importance to people who are largely inconsequential now. i'm humbled by what i thought i knew. it's almost a relief that nobody is mine. people can be encountered and embraced, but they can't be possessed. the thought of it, acknowledging it, so freeing .

[ń . @____damned]

i see candidly how the synergy of arrogance, misinformation, and bare malice destabilizes a community. these behaviors are very much recycled extensions of the horrors that defaced this planet centuries ago. yet we're still being sacrificed for these cultists' artificial luxury .

[ń . @____damned]

living in these modern dark ages feels absurd. the history lessons i endured as a child growing made it seem like plagues, slavery, and genocides were "accidents" of the distant past, now i'm old enough to know my schooling was largely revisionist propaganda, point blank .

[ń . @____damned]

you can't pursue happiness. when you break a glass in anger, you don't wonder if you're angry. you don't wonder if you've obtained anger. you did not chase it. you became it. and then you became calm. we live in our moods. we evolve. we don't need to pursue anything .

[ń . @____damned]

learning firsthand that meditation is not a blank process. it's a powerful, lively, hungry process. i feed it and inherit it by honestly exploring the questions that i have, questions that add curvatures to the flow of my life .

[ń . @____damned]

when you finally feel a sense of unadulterated love for yourself, nothing else matters. that glimpse of acceptance, no matter how brief, always breaks me completely open. that is what i've been waiting for .

[ń . @____damned]

pacing around my room, drinking good whiskey, coming to my senses about what it means to make an effort, and, yeah, backing off, because i want something real juicy and intentional .

[ń . @____damned]

so much about how life plays out depends on timing, chance, luck, and intent. a bunch of different layers through different experiences, and different circumstances. in haphazard vibration .

[ń . @____damned]

to be honest, i envy craving certain innocent parts of a relationship. like holding hands, giving forehead kisses accompanied with cleansing hot sex .

[ń . @____damned]

if she’s real then leave her untamed, such women are destined to move mountains .

[ń . @____damned]

let (her) beauty move you .

[ń . @____damned]

ii.

[ń . @____damned]

. spirali .

ph. omid aghdami

mua. hajun shi

styl. dana saad

i.

[ń . @____damned]

i'd rather die enormous than live dormant .

— s. carter

[ń . @____damned]

it's such a powerful feeling when someone catches your vibe and alters their stride to fall in line with you .

[ń . @____damned]

the constant substantive presence of close-minded people eludes a nigga, it often feels as if i'm the only solid object in a world full of human beings made of nothing but shadows and mist .

[ń . @____damned]

i'm trying to relax for long enough to decompress. i'm trying to honor my feelings instead of running from them or denying them or judging them. i’m trying my best to hear my intuition and heed its call, to be receptive to the things i can't guess or predict .

[ń . @____damned]

sometimes you don't know your boundaries, sometimes you don't know how to set them, and you have to grow them at a moment's notice. but do not let anyone penalize you for the thorns you've sprouted. new knowledge transforms us all accordingly. fuck the noise, bring in serenity .

[ń . @____damned]

i'm releasing control in soft ways, and it somehow makes me feel more in the know with myself. surrendering myself towards healing is permission to let go of all pretenses and operate exactly as i am; raw, yet exquisite. my pain does not define me. my anger does not define me .