Bethany Walker

Insta: @_bethanywalker_ relationship coach and counsellor

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

You don’t have to prove how smart you are, how right you are about the world and how unconscious other people are, how well you’re doing or how much money you make etc…

Don’t get me wrong - celebrate some of those things for sure, just make how you feel more important.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

So I have come to understand… If you can manage your feelings of inadequacy, you free yourself to a whole new level of success. One based on how much joy & appreciation is present in your life, where you don’t have to prove your worthiness to others.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

Which to be fair, is so understandable given our socialization, but makes no sense when you really question it.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

As a counselor I have come to conclude that true success is about how you feel. And, it amazes me how many people don’t consider how they feel, or care less about how they feel and more about living up to an image.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

Beware of the temptation to see yourself unfairly treated - it is a prescription for disaster.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

You cannot disrespect me because I do not get my respect for myself from you.

You cannot make me insecure because I don’t rely on you for my sense of security.

The idea is, we don’t make others responsible for our sense of worthiness. It’s an inside job.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

You have silent supporters. People are rooting for you from behind the scenes that you don’t even know about.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

What if a mental crisis is actually a spiritual crisis of losing yourself.

Losing your identity, getting further away from your heart, living a life that’s trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

You’ve got to find a way to line up with what you’re asking for, rather than asking others to change in order to satisfy you.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

We want our partner to change so we can respond better.

If the goal is to feel good, by responding in ways that feel good to us, we don’t need to make that dependent on our partner.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

Until you find another way of looking at things, nothing is going to shift in you.

Unless something shifts in you, then your experience can’t change.

You will keep repeating the same cycles & patterns. And you will keep attracting similar interactions & circumstances.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

If you’re feeling blamed all the time, stop blaming.

If you want to be appreciated more, start appreciating.

If you want to feel less rejected, stop withdrawing from others.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

You cannot blame or judge someone negatively without hurting yourself in the process because in judging others you are running those toxic thoughts & feel-bad emotions in yourself first.

It is in your own best interest to let go of blame, no matter how justified you feel it is.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

One of the best things you can do in your relationship is to create an atmosphere of appreciation. Appreciation counteracts contempt (one of the most destructive patterns of conversation that creates relationship demise & destruction in both the giver & listener’s immune system).

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

When we’re in an unhealthy relationship dynamic with a high conflict personality, we are in a relationship with someone with an overactive amygdala, who operates from fear based beliefs.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

In order to get from a fear-based operating system to a secure operating system we need to calm down the amygdala.

The amygdala responds positively to empathy, attention and respect. It reacts negatively to denial, dismissal, disrespect and punishment.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

We thrive in an atmosphere of emotional generosity.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

Validation during conflict:
1. Allows for effective communication about the root cause (rather than attacks or defensiveness)
2. Soothes negative arousal & calms you down
3. Builds trust
4. Builds self-esteem

When someone feels heard & understood, there’s no need for a battle.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

Communicating to inflict damage is not productive.

Behaviour that’s chronically defensive (pass agg or agg) leaves no room for team work, resolution or growth.

We can waste so much time staying in relationships with high conflict personalities when we ignore simple red flags.

[Bethany Walker @_bethanywalker]

You will never feel better thinking badly of someone.