birdy

10 years old. in bird years... yeah do the math. please, i don't know math i am just a bird

[birdy @_birdcalls]

[u get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: [turning it off] this is fucking boring

[birdy @_birdcalls]

[first date]

her: i broke up with my last boyfriend because he was moving too fast

sonic the hedgehog: [getting up] yeah ok. fuck this

[birdy @_birdcalls]

@anannabananacan gangnam style

[birdy @_birdcalls]

one of the most embarrassing things that can ever happen to you is getting tagged in freeze tag and having to stand there completely still like a fucking idiot

[birdy @_birdcalls]

me: [sees cop walking over] oh shit he's gonna find out we have drugs

friend: just lie

me: ok

cop: do u guys have any drugs

me: no we have a bomb

[birdy @_birdcalls]

my grandpa to me: the vietnam war

me: grandpa shut the fuck up man

[60 years later]

me to my grandson: the NFT war

my grandson: grandpa shut the fuck up man

[birdy @_birdcalls]

therapist: how do u feel

katy perry: like..... a plastic bag

therapist:

katy perry:

therapist: what

[birdy @_birdcalls]

doctor: u have a rare disease that causes extreme confusion

me: what?

[birdy @_birdcalls]

@kevdog thanks

[birdy @_birdcalls]

politician: i'd like to open the floor for questions. please only ask if its important

lady: what do u have to say ab-

me shoving her out of the way: do- [out of breath] do the transformers need life or car insurance

[birdy @_birdcalls]

mysterious guy: to find your destiny you must ascend the mountain and speak to the man who stares at the sun

me: ok

[after climbing the mountain]

me: what is my destiny

man who stares at the sun: i can't see. i can't fuckin see anything

[birdy @_birdcalls]

hanging out with spiderman and when u glance away he's nowhere to be found... later that night u wake up and he's crawling around in your bed, headed directly for your mouth

[birdy @_birdcalls]

[spider-man running away scared]

me wearing a giant pair of shoes: that's right

[birdy @_birdcalls]

[bringing date back to my place]

me: this is my treehouse

her: this is just a regular tree

me: *struggling to climbing up* yeah but i live in it

[birdy @_birdcalls]

[laying down looking up at the stars]

her: don't you feel small

me: *defensively* 5 inches is average size

[birdy @_birdcalls]

starbucks barista: ok coming right up

jason derulo: don't u need my name

barista: no please not agai-

jason derulo: 𝓳𝓪𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓾𝓵𝓸

[birdy @_birdcalls]

alvin “and” the chipmunks implies that alvin himself is not a chipmunk... what is he

[birdy @_birdcalls]

doctor: [placing hand on my shoulder] im so sorry for ur loss

me: wh-what are u saying

doctor: of hearing

me: what

[birdy @_birdcalls]

cop: do u know why i pulled u over

me: *nodding* i was watching ratatouille

cop: *nods* scoot over

[birdy @_birdcalls]

oh that's your girl??? lmaooo then why did she just give me her number and insurance information after i hit her car in the chili's parking lot

[birdy @_birdcalls]

waiter: would u like a to go box

date: sur-

me, wearing cargo shorts: we don’t need one