[u get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: [turning it off] this is fucking boring
one of the most embarrassing things that can ever happen to you is getting tagged in freeze tag and having to stand there completely still like a fucking idiot
my grandpa to me: the vietnam war
me: grandpa shut the fuck up man
[60 years later]
me to my grandson: the NFT war
my grandson: grandpa shut the fuck up man
politician: i'd like to open the floor for questions. please only ask if its important
lady: what do u have to say ab-
me shoving her out of the way: do- [out of breath] do the transformers need life or car insurance
mysterious guy: to find your destiny you must ascend the mountain and speak to the man who stares at the sun
me: ok
[after climbing the mountain]
me: what is my destiny
man who stares at the sun: i can't see. i can't fuckin see anything
hanging out with spiderman and when u glance away he's nowhere to be found... later that night u wake up and he's crawling around in your bed, headed directly for your mouth
starbucks barista: ok coming right up
jason derulo: don't u need my name
barista: no please not agai-
jason derulo: ๐ณ๐ช๐ผ๐ธ๐ท ๐ญ๐ฎ๐ป๐พ๐ต๐ธ