Michael

In absolute terms, I am the most persecuted man of all times, in the whole history of mankind, worldwide.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

Robert Pattinson designing anti-homeless architecture: You see how this gets these beggars out of here, right?

[Michael @_britmonkey]

I've never understood 'fandoms'. I've only seen my favourite movie twice. I've only read my favourite book once. I've never wanted to 'ship' two characters, I've never read any fan fiction. What's the appeal of watching and talking about the same thing for years? Enlighten me.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

His excellent video "BRITAIN IS A DUMP" is what inspired my video of the same name.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

I only just found out Bruno Powroznik, creator of "MARGARET FATCHER IS DED" and "OBJECTS I AVE SHUVED UP MY ARSE" died in 2023 aged 60. This only became public knowledge in 2025 because he left no will and had no living relatives.
Also he was probably transgender?

[Michael @_britmonkey]

BREAKING: The FBI has dropped a nuke on my house because I didn't pay the panties tariff

[Archaeology & Art @archaeologyart]

Hat of a seal hunter, Alutiiq culture, Kodiak island 18th century.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

Firing squad is a soldier's death, not for common criminals.
Electrocution is for serial killers and 1930s mobsters.
Beheading? Traditionally for the nobility. Too ancient.
Lethal injection is George Bush-coded yankslop.

If I was to be executed: only hanging would satisfy me.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

Someone needs to make a song that samples the synthy electric sound that London buses make when they're idling

[Michael @_britmonkey]

Reddit's reputation for being left wing/woke is only true for non-Indian users. All of these posts were on the worldwide front page in the last month.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

thug life

[BBC News (UK) @BBCNews]

British Museum bans visitors from photographing Bayeux Tapestry https://t.co/bFVyRJMCVI

[Michael @_britmonkey]

The episode where Squidward goes to the perfect Squid utopia and then realises it's boring and he actually misses Spongebob and Patrick being really annoying all the time is what voters want in politics.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

@kingsundercover @HVilday Wrong, I'm only 26

[Michael @_britmonkey]

Reply with the year you were born and the first newsworthy event you remember.
2000, Tony Blair resigning (2007)

[Michael @_britmonkey]

Whenever I introduce Ben to new people these days, they always say "wait is this the Ben who got messaged by Bonnie Blue"

[johntheman_heiscome_heisme_PREACHTRUTHILLUMINATIPl @heiscomeheisme]

IN 1976 A MAN WAS SHOT DEAD IN BELFAST BY A MINOR REPUBLICAN PARAMILITARY THAT CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONLY ONE OTHER ATTACK ... HIS WOUNDS HAVE NEVER STOPPED BLEEDING ... THE BODY HAS BEEN KEPT BY MI5 AND IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A BLOOD TRANSFUSION IN THE U.K HE WAS THE DONOR

[Michael @_britmonkey]

@gaslightyourmom movie was mid

[Michael @_britmonkey]

If Orson Welles made Citizen Kane today, he would have been born in 2001.
If Usain Bolt broke the 100m world record for the first time today, he would have been born in 2005.
If Mary Shelley started writing Frankenstein today, she would have been born in 2008.

[Michael @_britmonkey]

I respect former PMs more if they go back to being a regular backbencher. If you quit immediately after leaving the spotlight you look incredibly self-centred.

"I entered politics to make a difference but I would NEVER EVER do a job where I can't tell everyone what to do".

[Politics UK @PolitlcsUK]

🚨 BREAKING: Keir Starmer has announced he is resigning as the MP for Holborn and St Pancras

[Michael @_britmonkey]

once you try mouthwash that feels like your mouth is being burned by nuclear acid you can't go back to the pussy mild shit any more