Corey Evans

Houston based comedian. The dream is to write a TV show or win the lottery, probably the lottery.

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

I decided to do 100 days sober because I kept doing dumb things. It's been 15 days and I'm realizing I might just be a dumb person

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@TrevonDiggs

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Dear @SHAQ,

Please.

Sincerely,
Corey

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Dear @SHAQ, I help run comedy shows in Lubbock, TX and thought you might be interested in doing some stand up September 10th in Lubbock.

We will pay you, but I’m a public school teacher so it will be like 7$.

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@PatrickMahomes would you put in a good word for us? We are trying to get @SHAQ to do a comedy show in Lubbock while he’s here.

We also have a 28 dollar pay day waiting for him if he says yes

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@PatrickMahomes will you put in a good word for us?

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Dear @SHAQ, I help run comedy shows in Lubbock, TX and thought you might be interested in doing some stand up September 10th in Lubbock.

We will pay you, but I’m a public school teacher so it will be like 7$.

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@WillieGriswold I feel singled out

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Will someone tell Mike Pence coronavirus makes you gay? I want him to take this seriously.

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Obligatory valentines post where I make a joke about being single to show everyone that I’m fine and not constantly thinking about dying alone and if anything happens after we die. #datingmyself

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Most people think that you should avoid fats all together, but in reality there are a lot of good fats, like Kevin James

[Steve Malden @steve_malden]

God: They’ll need something that gives them energy

God Adviser: We can make a thing called food and eating. Eat food, get energy

God: Ok. So they just eat it?

GA: Hm. Let’s also attach a crippling psychological aspect to the process so it’s really confusing

God: I like that

[Andrew Sorrells @andrew_sorrells]

Within the last year:
Super Bowl MVP = Tx Tech
Final Four = Tx Tech
College World Series = Tx Tech
T&F National Champs = Tx Tech
Pom National Champs = Tx Tech
Cheer National Champs = Tx Tech
Tx Tech is the move

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@netflix so if I have a show idea, do I just like email that to customer service?

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Performing in Wallace, Idaho tonight and immediately getting lost in the mountains and dying of exposure after.
Show at 7
My imminent death at 9:30

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

Remember that one year where we all pretended like the national spelling bee was interesting?

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

I think most vampires are white because a white person is the only type of person who can be scared of garlic and be utterly destroyed by sunlight.

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

How long does it take you to decide you hate someone. My judgement clocks in at under 30 seconds

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@Kwaselow Two words: pasta salad. Just make spaghetti like normal and throw a spinach in there

[Corey Evans @_corey_evans]

@adzinolli As you should have