Dirk Scoot

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[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

If we make plans and I text you this, it means I’ll never forget.

[elijah daniel @elijahdaniel]

they rly gave ppl too much power with ios 18

[scar @imfat]

I love saying “sounds good” at work when i couldn’t care less

[phlip @MrPerfectPhilip]

Apparently, you’re not supposed to comment “nightmare blunt rotation” on your ex’s Instagram with a picture of her husband and new baby

[derpy @derpyez]

no babe thats my emotional support platonic homegirl that i'm a little attracted to

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

Big dogs are gross and you can’t change my mind.

[Cuck Liddell @c0ck_l3snar]

If you have diarrhea from the parasite, do not worry and hang in there, we are going to send money to Israel.

[Adam Rankin @rankintweets]

Every 3 years a new water bottle brand completely oneshots middle class white women like clockwork

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

Getting a new phone and having to log back in to everything is so painful.

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

My new favorite thing is charging my friends a cancellation fee whenever they bail on plans.

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

I’ve been walking around with a temporary tattoo on my neck all day and it’s slowly making want to actually get one.

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

I will never talk shit about my ex’s but I sure as hell will use their fuel perks to fill up my tank without them knowing.

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

When an older women calls me “young man”

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

“He’s not on the spectrum, he’s just an aquarius.”

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

Its time for my goat Spielberg to retire. Disclosure Day was ass

[𝓓𝓸𝓬_𝔃𝓮𝓮 ✧ @doc_zee7]

Me refusing to sleep because i didn't get enough time to feel like human after work

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

Update: I gotta start saying no to things 😂

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

On this weeks episode of Derek Says “Yes” to Anything: I’m running in a 5k tomorrow morning and I never trained for it….

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

Why did we used to say “boom shakalaka”?

[Dirk Scoot @_derekscott]

When a company sends you the wrong item, tells you to send it back, then denies your refund because “the returned item doesn’t match the original purchase”…