Phillip Patterson

got a one-way ticket down a two-way street

[Phillip Patterson @_Iamphillip]

Your mcm would try to use the ice cream machine in the last 20 minutes of the dessert round of Chopped

[one of ur hoes @miliondollameat]

every single one of my friends will get a bone from my skeleton when i die

[💕✨ @l0ve_sparkle]

DRINKING AINT THE SAME NO MORE, YOU BE WAKING UP IN CRITICAL CONDITION 😩

[violin bug 🇵🇸 @violinbug]

sure owning a house must be nice but those people will never know the timeless thrill of pouring bacon grease directly into the sink

[Kicks Under Cost @KicksUnderCost]

Nike Air Max 97 "White/Varsity Red" are on sale 40% off

No code needed, click here to order-> https://t.co/VR1zrgsaWC ad

[Zach Dunn @zachbdunn]

What if Donald Trump released a pop song and it was amazing

[⊹DENALI⊹ @httpdenali]

men used to go to war. now they order a vodka cran

[Shawna™ @ShawnaWTF]

Nah man, how have they not arrested this man yet

[Edgar @LifeOfEdgar]

Don’t get it twisted, if you see me drinking this 4th of July it’s because I love drinking, not this country.

[Read Raising Expectations (and Raising Hell) @JPHilllllll]

Thoughts and prayers but only for this king

[kel$ @kocaina_]

sneezing while driving is INSANE

[Ian Baker @ibaker121]

Until They Do

[Phillip Patterson @_Iamphillip]

@ibaker121 I’m waiting

[Dinosaur Dracula @DinosaurDracula]

Okay, here's the deal. I have a sealed bottle of Heinz EZ Squirt "Mystery Color" Ketchup from 2002. Possibilities are Passion Pink, Awesome Orange and Totally Teal. I'm willing to show you what color is inside, but it'll cost you. 5000 retweets, and I'll crack this sucker open.

[Daniel D'Addario @DPD_]

"Is Wordle getting harder?" is a funny way to pronounce "I don't know the word 'tacit'"