enrico

ela/dela

[Cats with aura @Catsworldtweet]

my cat trying to help me figure out who broke the vase.

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[mosh against the machine™ @godsofmosh]

- tomara que o iran elimine os estados unidos
- na copa do mundo?
- que copa do mundo?

[Evangelicos @nervcentral]

Seleção vai ganhar a copa vamos ser hexa sim confia kkkkkk

[d ໒꒱ @dudamaycry]

vai tomar no cu esse juiz filho da puta comprado pelos eua caralho

[enrico @_juliaom]

@nicoartspace Oieee! Tenho interesse! 💖

[enrico @_juliaom]

A Samira é uma das minhas maiores decepções nesse jogo. Ela é mt cara de pau e constantemente tricota nos dois grupos. Desgosto.

[enrico @_juliaom]

Se vc se atrasar pra uma entrevista de emprego, tenha o bom senso MÍNIMO de pedir desculpas pelo atraso. A gente sabe que essas coisas acontecem, mas se vc finge que não rolou nada, eu vou te achar sonso e zero profissional.

[enrico @_juliaom]

O curioso caso do homem incapaz de mudar

[Licencinha pra moreirinha @neurozemassima]

Minha irma de 14 anos no status ro zap

[Choco. 🐦‍⬛⨂ @cryptic_crowly]

@bigodeus o malandro nem precisa mais sair de casa pra procurar o otário

[enrico @_juliaom]

Meu gato não cansa de me bater. Eu tiro ele de cima da mesa, ele fica puto e volta. Ai eu tento trabalhar e ele me bate.

Conclusão: despejado do quarto!

[enrico @_juliaom]

Lembro de uma loja de maquiagem da minha cidade que vendia os provadores depois que já estavam super usados. E o pior é que as pessoas compravam, eu acho um nojoooo

[Vizinha Pelada @meninadorio21]

Hoje vi uma amiga chorar.

Reclamou: "Meu marido não pode abrir uma cerveja que tira foto pra postar pro mundo ver, mas não é capaz de tomar a iniciativa de tirar uma foto comigo."

Sei que o choro não foi sobre a foto, a verdade é que toda mulher gosta de ser amada em voz alta.

[lince @lincebxd]

eu jamais trataria o dono da empresa com tanto carinho

[Henrique Porra @fumantw]

como eu durmo sabendo que vou pro inferno em todas as religiões

[enrico @_juliaom]

Meus gatos são todos porquinhos, ficam putos quando eu limpo eles, mas se enchem de mato e rolam na terra do quintal, aí não dá meu parceiro

[torta de frango @tortadefrango67]

o dia inteirinho pensando em chegar em casa pra tomar banho e deitar