caprese🍃

does this make me seem more social?

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

Mood:

[ann @ann_m_paty]

After teasing my mom the entirety of my childhood for wearing high-waisted pants, I now exclusively wear them, and have realized all the perks:
1. Muffin tops? Nonexistent!
2. No one can tell when my button’s undone after a hearty meal
3. You’ll never see my buttcrack

[Jen Dziura @jendziura]

My 3yo said she wanted to be an astronaut, and I said she had to study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science, and take a physical fitness test, and she shrugged and said, "That's just 4 things." So she's basically a nonchalant motivational speaker.

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

Instead of complaining about being alone on the floor at work I’m going to appreciate the opportunity to have some much needed alone time

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

@_mblove Nice to meet you I’m Lay-uh

[irene @irenestweeets]

any time you hear an immigrant speaking broken english and you feel like laughing, just remember that you took spanish for 4 years and you still struggle to speak a coherent sentence

[Calvin and Hobbes Fan Account @Calvinn_Hobbes]

Afternoon 💤

[Nick Offerman @Nick_Offerman]

honey, please call me https://t.co/CN14UwmKuv

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

My mom, everyone

[Emo Kylo Ren @KyloR3n]

mom why is poe dameron’s drawing on the fridge

[Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson]

If Bears were in charge, after they hunted us to near-extinction, I wonder if they’d invent a candy called Gummy Humans.

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

@Aquamarinaa_ Y E S

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

@jazztacuIar I heard a Princess Leia joke yesterday and had to force a laugh. I feel ya

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

Sir- is your time worth $1.58? (call is at 15 minutes)*

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

So instead of letting me cover it with my pocket change he wants to wait on hold to speak to a supervisor *still to be told that he has to pay the $1.58 still.

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

A man is mad he has to pay taxes in California for his prepaid account. This is another $1.58 on his end.

[caprese🍃 @_patyleah]

@navyblves Mustaches are the new scruff 😋😋😋😋