southpaw ☘

Recent: Judger of books by their cover.

[southpaw ☘ @_SetTheHook_]

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

[southpaw ☘ @_SetTheHook_]

If the Earth really was flat, imagine how many people would have jumped off by now.

[southpaw ☘ @_SetTheHook_]

Sugar tits sound delicious.

[Emily ™ @emily_tweets]

My electric toothbrush is like a little vibrator for my teeth.

[Emily ™ @emily_tweets]

Women: fuck you
Men: *boner

[Emily ™ @emily_tweets]

Normalize saying ‘good game’ after sex.

[Just4funsa @Just4funsa]

Women are like pasta, they get way more flexible when they get wet...

[Just4funsa @Just4funsa]

Apparently heavy petting is not allowed at the zoo or most decent restaurants...

[Just4funsa @Just4funsa]

Roaming the city streets until I find your bedroom window...

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Feigning optimism is exhausting.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

At some point, Inspirational Tweeters become sarcastic, and this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Being added to a Group DM, is the equivalent of being lured into the woods by a creepy clown.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

In the South, wearing a condom to a family reunion is called Planned Parenthood.

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

The CDC recommends more alcohol.

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

Never trust a man who doesn’t smack your ass.

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

Reaching out to someone first gets exhausting.

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

It’s the weekend. Try fucking off.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Nothing says “go fuck yourself” like a $5 Amazon gift card.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

I hate when a coworker says to me "sounds like you have a case of the Mondays" and I end up with 5 years of probation.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

My 85 year old mom just asked me to look something up on my "internet machine".

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.