DaddyJew

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

*magically pulls a joint out behind my lil nephew’s ear*

Nephew’s mom: will you stop doing that

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

meh, I’ve seen fuller moons

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

Alexa, how can i tell if my duck is plotting something

[Reese @Reeseforsure]

California would look good on you

[Squirrelly Girly @lazydoxy]

A real friend doesn’t wait until your house is burning down to show up.

[Casey Duncan @caseytduncan]

Memories are invisible tattoos that leave a mark on your personality.

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

Americans will sniff your farts if you tell them there’s protein in it

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

If you ever hear a Canadian say “Sorry, not sorry”, try turning them off and then back on again, they are experiencing a software glitch

[Amerie Jayne🇨🇦🍁 @ms_amerie_jayne]

People are fucking stupider when there’s a full moon. It’s science

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

just between you and me, the devil can’t dance for shit

[michela @Mmmmicas]

At least there will always be music

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

you’re gonna love it when i bust in your mouth

- mozzarella sticks

[Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred]

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

[𝕛. @jordijoints]

tattooed women suck dick better

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

Leave me alone so I can eat a bag full of Olive Garden breadsticks in peace.

[Matty @bestestname]

I would be more optimistic about things getting better if they weren't getting worse

[fightgeek @fightgeek]

i've abandoned three cars in the walmart parking lot. that's how i was raised

[Wilde Thingy (new account) @Wilde_Thingy]

[post apocalyptic wasteland, the last two human beings alive]
Me "Hi"
Her "I have a boyfriend."

[Ⓜ️isterD @MisterD78UK]

Welcome to your 40's... you get your cardio walking in and out of rooms forgetting why

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

i threw caution into the wind. it did not like that

[Amerie Jayne🇨🇦🍁 @ms_amerie_jayne]

You wouldn’t like me, i’d make you laugh and have way too much fun