Chad Read

_______Sit UBU, sit......good dog____________ NEW Tweets ➡️ Favstar / Top 200 ⬇️⬇️⬇️

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

I’m gonna quickly shift this conversation so I can share some random information I learned on a podcast.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

Older women that buy a pack of smokes at the gas station and then fire one up right after jumping back into their Subaru get me hard.

[DemonDastardly @mydmac]

I'm not saying I haven't had sex in a long time but an archaeologist has pitched a tent in my bedroom.

[Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve]

You're either normal or you study the menu before going to a restaurant

[Darla @ddsmidt]

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

[Red Riding Hood @RiderofWolves]

Remember when you used to go down on.....
.........................my timeline.
That was nice

[Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins]

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

[Jen @SleepEatScream]

People who can swallow pills with a hot drink are not to be fucked with.

[Stewnami @stewnami]

It must have been terrifying to be the first person with diarrhea

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

I hear ya, Brenda…if I had a nickel for every time I lost the scotch tape while wrapping gifts my wife wouldn’t have left me for that carnie in New Mexico.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

I’ll be hosting a Tupperware party tonight if anyone needs any last minute Xmas gifts.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

Your Xmas card is taped to the back of my bathroom door so I can stare at your family while I take a shit.

[Gia @GashleyMadison]

The guy who invented the kazoo must’ve been super annoying.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

Accidentally snorted a pubic hair while doing a bump on top of the men’s urinal at the bowling alley.

[Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56]

Hello darkness my old friend.
I stood up way too fast again.

[RedVelvetMuffin©️ @Heaterhotusus]

Get in bitch… we’re going trilling with the insects

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

A survivalist said that if you get caught in fallout after a nuclear detonation, get inside and bathe ASAP but don't use conditioner as it'll bond radioactive particles to your hair.

I don't think dry, brittle hair would be in my top 100 concerns if I'd just survived a nuke.

[Jarhead @Jarhead44]

I'm not the only one farting in Hobby Lobby right now.

One just hit me that wasn't mine.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Well well well, let’s see who’s wallowing in denial tonight.

[Darla @ddsmidt]

Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk.