Troy Johnson

Husband, dad, writer, person on TV. Owner, @sandiegomag. On-air for @foodnetwork, @bigtennetwork. This is all very strange.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me."

Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Nothing says welcome to America quite like the sugar-coated dried mango.

We took nature's sugar bomb, stripped off everything that wasn't sugar, and replaced that nonessential bullshit with even stronger sugar.

We're fine why are you asking.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

New law: If your loud motorcycle sets off car alarms, you are forced to drive an e-bike for one month.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Gonna open a karaoke bar that discriminates against good singers. You got five octaves? You’re ruining it, get out. I came to see Linda get drunk and own her half octave.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

I bet AI knew it could take the species when American businesses started having to put up "caution, wet floor" signs on rainy days.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

As words, Worcestershire and poivre can really go fuck themselves.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Nearly 2pm. Time to turn the smallest sugar craving into a full blown shame parade.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Sometimes I think about how McQueen ghosted Sally in "Cars" and hope she's now CEO of a global company with very solid HDL levels and work-life balance and in Cars 4 he comes back to beg for her forgiveness but she's late for a board meeting end movie.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Sorry, can’t. Scrolling to my birth year.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Whoever decided to call rain an “atmospheric river” either worked at Bath & Body Works or missed their calling as a fast-rising executive at Bath & Body Works.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

No one:

Local news: “And now, a viral video of a man halfway across the world being eaten by an animal we can’t even fathom.”

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

@Javy_17 @BenAndWoods So damn awesome. One of the greatest sports nights of my 25 years of life

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

@baylorgrad Hardcover for sure. Great glue top notes. Although there is a thin-paper cool newspaper smell from some paperback.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

new book smell > new car smell

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

@angrestani @GuysGroceryGame @GuyFieri Hi!

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Just saw a news headline that started "Beyond Oil..." and thought nope I don't want vegetarian gasoline.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Kiss cam operators have been plotting this for years. They got a list.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Sometimes I'm chill and other times I wonder how many microplastics I’ve eaten and if my insides are slowly turning into a Dollar Store.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Social media's fail is only fixating on the new. It's like a dog that dry humps any new person who walks through the door.

Also show us things with history and roots. Be the dog who walks over to the person who's been there for an hour and honors them with a dry hump.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Need a patch or a gum to help us break our phone habit. Just a couple milligrams of dumb internet shit pumped into our bloodstream throughout the day.

[Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson]

Pretzels are the truffle of coach class.