aBad Preacher

Do not do as I say and NEVER do as I do!

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

@historyinmemes Ah. So my problem was that I didn’t become a drug addicted.

[The Babylon Bee @TheBabylonBee]

Trump No Longer Leading Republican Primaries After Mystery Candidate Bandit Heeler Enters Race https://t.co/3MZzV5hu23

[Lauren @LABC222]

You can cut a sermon down to 20 min, but you would have to cut out
1. Humble brag story
2. Fauxnerable sin story (speeding or before Christ days)
3. Negative joke about your smoking hot but nagging wife
4. Embarrassing story about your kids
5. Checklist for cultural holiness

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

@ProfessorTwitty You made your choice. You did not choose money. That is admirable. Don't go back on it now and be resentful like you did not know the world worked that way. P.S. You also make more that about 98% of the worlds population...

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Well, It is Friday. Have to preach 3 lessons Sunday. Time to start working on my lessons, in 48 hours.

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Just saw a smoking hot babe in the car beside me at the red light! Think I’ll preach on lust Sunday! Eye full and a sermon idea! Twofer !

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Took a complaint last night that the church was to cliquish. I called my friends and we ate breakfast this morning laughed and talked and had a great time. We discussed the issue and have no idea what they were talking about.

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

In the introduction today I am going to say “mute point.” Then I’m going to say “If you noticed I said mute point you’r judgmental and going to hell!” Oh and If you think that’s judgmental of me you are judgmental and going to hell. That’s how it works.

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

The Devil SO beat Johnny. Honestly, who has ever listened and not realized that!! It sure wasn’t so obvious that the Devil should have Just given up! I’m #justsaying... #devil #NeverGiveUp

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Went on a walk with an elder to ask for a raise. He stubbed his toe & dropped the F bomb in front of me. Said if I told anyone he would get me fired. I was like, “Who would I tell this S to?” Got raise.

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

You know what burns me up. It was Dawson’s Creek. Not Pacey’s creek! DAWSONS CREEK. DAWSON!!!! How did Pacey get the girl? Are you kidding me?!?!?!? DAWSON’S CREEK!

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Our youth ministers lazyness is epic. Someone *cough* wrote “wash me” in the years of dust on the back of his car. Last night, standing in the parking lot, I pointed and aske if he was ever going to actually wash it. He just walked over and wrote “No.”

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Absolute best advice I can give to a new preacher : marry a great woman that people like and then have sweet kids. That way elders will be less likely to fire you because they feel sorry your family.

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Actual conversation with our lazy youth minister;

YM “We would have more people if we didn’t always have church in the middle of the night.”
Me “What? Church is at 10am.”
YM “That’s the middle of the night to me!”
Me “You sir, are a turkey baster.”

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

You only have Easter and Christmas to lambaste those people who only come twice a year that is why I lay it to them when I have them. You don’t want to be an ear tickler you got to be a gut puncher. That’s my philosophy.

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Easter sermon on the requirement of church attendance was a huge success. Lots of angry members this week complaining & calling for my job. That proves I was right because if people like your preaching you are obviously just scratching ears!

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Preached on Hebrews 10:25 this morning. “Miss church & heaven will miss you.” Now to check my message before I preach...

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

So do I pullout an old sermon for Sunday or plagiarize one... #Plagiarism it is...

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Is it just me or does every preacher want to turn into ectoplasm and just melt into a storm drain ever Sunday night when you get home and it’s over? #Exhausted is not even close to #sundaynightafteryoupreachthreelessonstired

[aBad Preacher @aBadPreacher]

Ever notice how the Bible tells husbands not to resent your wife and young women are to be tought how to love their husbands? They don’t know how to and we don’t know how not to.