Allen Schwartz

Amateur comedian, immature musician, illiterate screen writer, unwanted movie producer, and illegitimate racecar driver.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

#cb1000f or #zx4rr about the same money both i4 but one has a redline of 16,000 rpm and the other is practical. I can't make up my mind. Help me twitterverse. #drivetribe

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

@Samlaporta sorry to bother you... I have a lot riding on this week's fantasy game. If you don't end up playing can you let me know? I hope you have a speedy recovery! If your bored check out #ChadPowers on #HuluOnDisneyPlus it's pretty good.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Sometimes, little one, it's best if the worlds think you a little mad.

-Kavax au Telemanus Iron Gold

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

"Your farts are shaking the foundation of our relationship!"

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

@ChipotleTweets your potion sizes are not only disappointing but you're losing customers at an alarming rate. Be better. This kind of BS just ruined dinner for my family.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

@McDonalds Who you fooling McDonald's? That's a mighty kids meal with no toy and cost more money. You have less employees and touch screens to order from but cost of food is skyrocketing. No wonder your ytd stock price going down. It ain't a value no more. We ain't fools.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

You don't have to be a dog to have your meds taken with peanut butter... #treatyourself

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

There's a guy at the gym who wears DBZ clothes daily. I hope it's weighted like piccolos.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

I'm like a buccees Disney princess.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

What kind of TP do they use in the Vatican?

Angel Soft.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

I miss the days when local hardware stores gave small bags of popcorn to eat while you wandered around looking for what ya needed.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Just heard there is a coffee shop in Alaska that has 2 sizes for their cups. The large is called Alaska and the small is called a Texas.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Armed moms aren't victims.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

I've not had a cupcake from @CupcakeRoyale since 2014 when I moved away. You've hit the spot today. Thank you for only getting better with age.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Always have some in your life who is forklift certified. It's good to have some around who can lift you up.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Taking my wife to see Beck at the Moody Center. Starting off the night right with pizza and a Rambler

@rambleraustin

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

If my dogs aren't waiting for me at the pearly gates when I one day die God will have hell to pay.

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

What's a word that sounds #deathmetal but isn't metal at all?

I'll go first: Tractor 🚜

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Me: What do you call a cartoon bear that cares?
Everyone: a care bear!
Me: Wrong, a Hairy Carey!

[Allen Schwartz @a_d_schwartz]

Leaving during the repetition of the Amida because you did it at the beginning of the service is like not eating a certain food ever again because you've had it before. At the end of the day you're depriving yourself of nourishment.