Allison Peltier

I’m only here because I want to twist the structure of my average day.

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Shelby: “It is on my bucket list to fuck your dad.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Aaron: “There’s a lot of colors here. See that tropical fruit tea? Looks like if I drink it, it’s gonna Baja Blast right out of me.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “How do we argue that with our conservative parents?”
Kala: “I don’t know, all I say is ‘ICE would have taken Jesus’.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Sarah: "I fucking hate my dad. He fucking smoked my queef.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

“What about Kung Pao Panda?”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

“If I was struggling with crack, I wouldn’t tell my doctor.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

“Yo my knee is sore from dropping it low on a pole.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Megan: “I’m gonna tell them to stop taking time off all Willy-Nilly”
Steph: “Are you gonna write that? Willy-Nilly?”
Megan: “I’ll do it more professionally.”
Me & Hannah: “William-Nilliam.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “Alex, what is *whispers* …sex?”
Alex: “It’s that thing on your drivers license.”
Me: “No but like, the verb”
Alex: “It’s the act of getting your drivers license.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Shelby: “Thank you, stripper. I forgot her name. Tyranny?”
Me: “…Trinity.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “Do unicorns ever have wings or just the horn?”
Nadine: “Pegasus are the ones with wings.”
Me: “What’s a combo called?”
Chris: “Pegacorn.”
Nadine and Me: “No.”
Chris: “Unipeg.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “Wait I gotta place the squirrel army on you!”
Alex: “Nah you can’t, I got the varmint trap.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “Chris, will you text me that link?”

- 15 mins later -

Me: “Ooh, who texted me?”
Chris: “I did, you fucking moron.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Ashley: “Did you guys actually date?”
Me: “Yeah, we were down bad for each other.”
Ashley: “Well no wonder you broke up, every time you’re down bad for someone you ruin it.”
Me: “Can we not??”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Chris: “I divorced my first wife cause of that.”
Me: “Really?”
Chris: “Well that’s not the only reason, she’s also a cunt.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Chris: “Congratulations.”
Me: “On what?”
Chris: “Continuing to be employed here despite being a massive piece of shit.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “Is this dress ugly?”
Aaron: “It looks like what a Christian woman would wear to church.”
Me: “Damn.”
Aaron: “Like a hardo one tho, her name is Mary.”
Me: “Okay that’s enough”
Aaron: “She wears that to pick up her kids from bible study…they’re homeschooled, of course.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Me: “I could write a grant.”
CEO: “Do you even know what a grant is?”
Me: “I do not.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Alex: “Deepthroat that toothbrush while you run from my knives.”

[Allison Peltier @a_peltz]

Ashley: “You know who’s not hot? Anyone who plays 3v3 basketball.”