autopilot

If I’m not in your panties I don’t go vigilantes.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

What material thing do I miss most about Michigan? Meijer.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

Vehicles I can park perfectly: Jeep Commander (basically a bus), Chevy Suburban, Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Cadillac DeVille (a damn boat), almost anything with a trailer attached.

Vehicles I can’t park for shit in: Ford Fusion.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@Alyssa_Mohr Wanna live our lives together? We can bring our pets and have a jolly good time.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@kenadeefoco I honestly miss when it was 90s at Noon 😂

[autopilot @abbinator12]

It only took me 1 year and 9 months to cancel Planet Fitness after moving and never going.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@ajbaldes I had to teach an 18 year old coworker how to address an envelope. She put the return address in the middle and the address we were sending it to on top right corner. Stamp in the top left.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@kenadeefoco My biggest pet peeve is when people don’t respect the rules I set for my dog. Like if I tell you not to give him chunks of meat because he’ll throw up, don’t. BECAUSE I’M THE ONE WHO HAS TO CLEAN HIS PUKE.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

What’s my biggest PET peeve? The fact that neither the cat nor dog have even a sliver of respect for the clean laundry I’m trying to fold.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

Nobody talk to me for 5-7 business days. I just spent 3 hours doing one layer of paint on a closet with a paint brush because I was too lazy to make a 10 minute drive to Menards to buy a new roller.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@Alyssa_Mohr I’ll be there at 2am Saturday. Better be fresh.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@Courtney_Perrou Reminds me of one time I went to get my nails done. I sit down and the first thing the lady says to me is “eyebrows too from the looks of it?”
???? Chillax ma’am.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@ariannawhite6 I heard a lady at work a couple weeks ago say “these are my twin grandsons, one is 7 months old, one is nine months old” 😂

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@Markie_Heideman Make sure to get this kind. The solid ones don’t work as well

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@Markie_Heideman Hear me out. Try buying shelf liner and cutting it into squares. It’s saved me many times in similar situations.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@lyssatc Ever heard the song “You Can Call Me Al”? It should be your theme song 😂

[autopilot @abbinator12]

When I went to get my first vaccine today the lady looked me dead in the eye and said “sorry sweetie but since you are under 18 you can’t get vaccinated without your parents present.” I showed her my ID and said “I’m 24.”

[autopilot @abbinator12]

I ran into someone I knew at Walmart today and we stopped and had a 5 min conversation. Does this make me an official local of Wausau?

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@kenadeefoco I get this but I low key want all my future family photos to look they came straight out of the Goldbergs. Posed and over the top.

[autopilot @abbinator12]

@derouis_LIF3 Thanks for the overwhelming confidence, Dern 😂

[autopilot @abbinator12]

Will this be the week that I remember to go to Planet Fitness and cancel my membership? Or will I pay $23/month until I die and never go to the gym again? Stay tuned to find out.