Marie Thompson

I find myself significantly funnier than I actually am. Can I pet your dog?

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

When days feel harder, you've gotta wear sweatpants longer.

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

It’s truly creepy when the camera in our son’s room alerts me that motion has been detected, but the replay doesn’t show anything. Is this how I found out we have ghosts in our house?

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@ktlittleflower @itsmattyj I literally made a grilled cheese in my office at work last year. And not even during lunch.

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@conqueso22 Have you seen sharknado? #instantclassic

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@BobThompson82 Even less fun: birthing a child with a similar head to you.

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

Why are the employees who are most worried about when they get paid the ones who are also the least reliable?

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@BobThompson82 THIS IS SERIOUS, BOB. CAN I WEAR THEM MORE THAN ONCE?

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

So I know you’re only supposed to wear one-a-day contacts for one day at a time. But, what if I didn’t? Like what would happen?

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@_agpark I heard Jenna Fischer on a podcast say that she has a “fake email” where all of her promotional/spam/online shopping emails go to and it blew my mind.

[i can be your long lost pal @PallaviGunalan]

it’s wild that cops were allowed into our elementary schools to teach us that drugs could kill you but not that they could

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@kwhorne2 And texts.

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

Niles Crane is the greatest character ever written.

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@yesha_gurl My sister had some real Dwight energy when she showed us why strapping our kid into the car seat properly is important and she threw the car seat across the room (sans baby).

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

For someone who isn’t invested in sports, I think about Kobe pretty often. I hope his family is doing okay. What a truly awful year for them.

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@MNateShyamalan @gracehelbig @mametown

[2024 Democratic National Convention @DemConvention]

“I’m just a regular kid, and in a short amount of time, Joe Biden made me more confident about something that’s bothered me my whole life. Joe Biden cared.”
– Brayden Harrington

#DemConvention

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@itsmattyj Mine are slightly sour and I have to keep myself from eating them like sour patch straws. 😋

[Chipotle @ChipotleTweets]

Who else has a name nobody can pronounce?

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

@BobThompson82 and I have many recurring bits in our marriage. My current favorite is when one of us asks the other a question, we respond by dramatically saying, “YOU DONT KNOW ME AT ALL!”

[Marie Thompson @acciotacos]

I’m in the stage of quarantine/ COVID hell that I feel anxious when people on TV or in movies are too close to each other, leave their homes, enjoy their lives, etc.

All genres and time periods included