Adam Blaker

someone who hardly even knows her

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Started working out again, now it’s time to make accidental eye contact with everyone in the gym

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Who tf is leaving the toilet seat up in a public bathroom with 5 urinals

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

I love how stop signs are optional

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Never tell me to “tone down the magic”. I will increase the magic.

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

That’s it. I’m running for president and my first action will be to create an amendment where the hotdog eating contest will be available for free everywhere. Take the paywall down!!!

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

This has gone too far, I can’t even watch the hotdog eating contest. The world has flaws

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

The parties I go to have a severe lack of Cupid shuffling. Jesus didn’t die for this

[greg @greg16676935420]

Let’s draft everyone who has their phone on military time first since you’re all so eager

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Trump and Elon pretty soon

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Alien: Unfortunately my name manifests in kinetic frequencies which your human mind simply cannot comprehend.

Me: I want to try. It's important to me.

Alien: Bart Simpson

Me: No we actually have that name here too

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Fraternities are for dudes with no sisters

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

If you are a grown ass man at the gym and you don’t wash your hands after the bathroom, I will be seeing your mom tonight and we will be talking about your behavior.

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

The cardinals better not mess this one up. Decision is obvious.

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

What if when they were building the pyramids, the emperors provided music for the workers.

Like one day you look up from your heavy ass rock and the emperor is just like “ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the stage… U2!!!

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

If I am good at one thing in this world, it’s parallel parking, and that’s something you can’t take away from me

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Motion detection toilets should not be a thing, urinals are great but god forbid I lean a little bit too far forward and now the toilet is flushing and splashing water everywhere while I’m just trying to take care of business

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Who knew buying a peewee football and throwing it around in an intersection would cure all my qualms

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Knuckle tattoos that say “SAND WICH”

[❄️ @JustBeTweeting]

I be eating my chipotle bowls butt ass naked with my balls hanging off the chair

[Adam Blaker @adam_blaker]

Today my little boy dreams came true, I was premoted to a member of this turbo team and can now run around and jump on the couches