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Venmo me a brain cell

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I titled my research paper “colon cancer: a pain in my ass” expecting to get marked down for unprofessionalism but my prof announced to the class that it was the best paper title and I’m just glad to have a prof that gets my humor

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It’s been 11 years and I’m still holding a grudge against @jasonderulo and ridin solo

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Thank you @taylorswift13

[Taylor Swift @taylorswift13]

I’m thrilled to tell you that my new version of Fearless (Taylor’s Version) is done and will be with you soon. It has 26 songs including 6 never before released songs from the vault. Love Story (Taylor’s Version) will be out tonight. Pre-order now at https://t.co/NqBDS6cGFl 💛💛

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Bowling for Soup said it best:

Her dreams went out the door, when she turned 24 🥴

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Is there a vaccine for homesickness?

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Christmas is really just checking the Amazon orders to see what my family is getting each other

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@inter_stellared That is, without competition, the best Christmas movie in my opinion

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@hscott310 @lunatically Does this also include tests in college? I feel attacked

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@SurrenderedMind Take the L and transition peacefully like an adult, my man, I’m facing too much second hand embarrassment 🤣

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What is the point in a second Georgia recount if Biden has 270 electoral college votes with/without it, asking for a friend

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My heart 🥺

[Jeopardy! @Jeopardy]

Jeopardy! is saddened to share that Alex Trebek passed away peacefully at home early this morning, surrounded by family and friends. Thank you, Alex.

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Yikes, the popular vote and electoral college says otherwise

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!

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My kink is asking my friends if they get my joke immediately after telling it

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@AutumnCou That place was wild

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Does anyone else remember that dance club that opened in 2012 or 2013 for kids under 18 and had like 15 year old Red Bull girls instead of shot girls or was that just a weird fever dream I had?

[alissa violet @AlissaViolet]

the sexual tension between me & a bottle of tequila