Deeks

[Deeks @Adyaces]

Welcome to Twitter. It's kinda like slowly realising you're at the wrong funeral

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Apply critical analyses informed by postmodern deconstructionism to Thomas Mann’s lesser-known works and chill?

[Censored Girl @Girl_Censored]

This is not how I envisioned my mid-life crisis at all.

[Maddy 👗👟👒🍃☂️ @MadHatterMommy]

People love to hate.

[Henry 3000 @Henry_3000]

We might care more about your suffering if you could do it without being so insufferable.

[vapid ally @anotherxxbunny]

I like my toenails to look edible

[vapid ally @anotherxxbunny]

Every hell I’ve been to was character building

[CrazyFeralCatLady @kcobra11]

I talk alot of shit for someone who takes an hour to stand up straight after waking up

[CrazyFeralCatLady @kcobra11]

Just be happy. They hate that.

[CrazyFeralCatLady @kcobra11]

I love a good loophole

[Flamingo Facts @meetflamingos]

Flamingos are fucking stupid

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager

[butt @Birdsmell]

Banana is the quietest snack

[Deeks @Adyaces]

@McLarenF1 Gonna lose the best two drivers in F1, why aren’t you looking after them? Extraordinary behaviour.

[Deeks @Adyaces]

Someone just called me the village idiot. I’ve been promoted.

[Kate’s Fate @katvonwitt]

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

[Fuck it all, Love Molly 💋 @mistrustme1]

I found hope at the end of the road and I saved you a seat

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

I definitely would have got that second date if my puppet would have let me get a word in.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

If it's not messy, it's not real.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

In my defense, that old nun pushed me first.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.