Chris Bartholomew

Just Tweeting into the Void

[baber @bakerbakerbaker]

seeing my wife in a sundress and hitting myself over the head with a frying pan like a cartoon wolf

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them a fucking asshole? Please say 6

[PSF | Scratch @ScratchAE__]

Oh. That’s Gore. That’s gore of my comfort character.

[Rawrell 🌘 @_rawrell]

Just wait until zoomers find out about the perk that makes you racist and gives you a damage bonus against minorities

[sydney ♛ @mornings0da]

This is what the airport is all about. Beautiful place. Dude nailed it

[ᴢᴇɴɪᴛꜱᴜ is remembering the Edmund Fitzgerald @zenitsu__cooks]

Why would she say this?

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

Me to my child every damn day this month

[💗 @urfaveluvr]

ur really gonna act like that? when santa claus is literally coming to town

[Jeremy Kaufman @JeremyIKaufman]

Wonder what Chris Young thinks about the professionalism displayed by his org in 2017 when the Rangers denied the Astros request to swap home series amidst Hurricane Harvey. That was classless.

[victoria ♀️ @fatfabfeminist]

the fact that this technology exists but is almost completely inaccessible to the masses should remind you that the one of the largest indicators of one’s health/lifespan will always be class

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

See I misunderstood, it’s eat the rich not eat with the rich.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

I actually really like my job, until I have to pack a lunch. I always end up at a table with doctors/engineers who brought a smoked salmon salad and a Fuji kiwi while I scarf down six PB&Js and four caprisuns like a goblin.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

Oh I’m sorry did sound of my second chip bag opening distract you from your MacBook?

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

The grip Panda Express has on weird white guys is unmatched.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

Iron man 2

Jon Favreau out here directing all my favorite movies. This one almost has the same plot as Elf. Except Elon makes a super weird forced cameo in this one, remember when he was just an acceptable human being and not a total asshole?? 9/10.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

I’ve started the arduous process of watching all the MCU movies in chronological order so since no one asked here’s my thoughts 🧵

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

Iron Man

Ngl the edible kicked in about a fourth of the way into this one. Let’s just give it a 8/10.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

I hope P90X never gets screen time Jazzercise gets. Like I’ll lose it.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

All my years in comedy and my son says this once and it’s the joke of the century. I’ve never seen him say this to another kid without them cracking up. Kids in other daycares are repeating this.

[Chris Bartholomew @aguyChris]

I wake up at 40 clock and I pffft my bed.