Jessica T.

all panic no disco

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me: But it’ll be easier this time around. We’ve done this before.
Noah: Yeah, but now we’re playing on New Game Plus. We get to carry over our items from the first play through but it’s harder because now there’s two of them.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

@mistersql I miss old Twitter so bad.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Why do eye doctors get irritated with you for wincing when they’re doing literally the most invasive stuff to your eyes? “Why did you pull away?.” Oh sorr, I must just be super sensitive to you shooting air into my eyes and sticking a dye strip directly onto my eyeball.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Julian and my dad watching the Kentucky Derby equally enthralled.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Hear me out: a pot filler, but for pet water bowls that’s mounted three inches off the ground.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

I try not to play Dead Space around Julian since it’s kind of violent, but he’s caught a few moments here and there and now he asks to play “The Monster Game”, where the point is for him to yell when he sees a necromorph “Hey monster! Get outta there! You don’t scare me!”

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me: Hey, what do you think of this shirt? It’s yellow and striped so not my usual style.
Noah: You look like a bee.
Me: I’m going to get a second opinion. What do you think, Julian?
Julian: Mama make honey.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Noah: Time to walk the dog again. Next time, we should invest in one of those self-walking dogs.
Me, barely listening as I scroll TikTok: …wait, what?

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me, getting into urban foraging: One of our neighbors has an eastern pine tree that can be fermented into a citrus-y soda, but I’m not sure how to ask them if I can snip off some needles.
Noah: “Just let me lick your tree!!”

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Nobody warned me that having a toddler means your favorite new band might unironically become Truck Tunes.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

@sjcxc03 Oh my god. Immediately ordering a set of Dino cutters, this is brilliant.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Sprinkles are an underrated parenting tool. Refusing to eat the peanut butter sandwich? Pour some sprinkles on it. Yogurt? Rainbow sprinkles. Fruit? More sprinkles.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me: How did the bath go?
Noah: I was so exasperated by his screaming that I played him Gwar’s “Ham on the bone” and told him “You hear this? You sound like this.”
Me: How did he react to that?
Julian: More Gwar! More ham on the bone!
Noah: Yeah it wasn’t the reaction I expected.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

@sjcxc03 That seems like it should be illegal.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me, Googleing: What are the dangers of taking fish oil at night before bed?
Noah: You’ll have dreams about swimming.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me: I wish Julian’s dentist saw adults. That place is great.
Noah: “Good job, Jessica! Would you like to choose a crystal out of the basket to take home with you for being so brave today?”

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Me: The forest school I want to send Julian to is having an open house next week.
Noah: They don’t even have a house!

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Julian, the king of power moves.
Abuelo: Wow, are you eating cookies? Can I have one?
Julian: No!!!
Proceeds to toss one of his cookies to the dog while not breaking eye contact with Abuelo.

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Julian, requesting I play him a song: Flock of seagulls!! Flock of seaaaagulls!!
Me, unaware up until this point that he knew of this band: I’m assuming this was Dada’s influence?

[Jessica T. @akimaii]

Julian toddles up to my glass of water that was sitting on the coffee table and he drops the toy tongs he was holding right into the glass.
Me: 😕
Noah: You don’t need to use a power move on Mama. Everybody already knows you’re at the top of the food chain.