Alan Goldsmith

Very talented actor, musician, singer, dancer, and writer. I’m a quintuple threat.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

Critics praise my performance in Pigeonhead: “I have never seen anyone do a better rendition of The Baguette Bully” https://t.co/ZdwxWcBNpu

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

There are only two types of people in this world—the ones giving blumpkins and the ones getting blumpked. Know thyself.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

When you’re talking to me, every second is a one-word novel. #deep

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

My new Russian Ballet choreographer name is "Tuchyn Ballsky"

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

My new rapper name is Maggi Noodle Caligula

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

🎵🎤 Wipin' tears from my eyes with Uber Eats McDonald's serviettes. 🎤 🎵

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

My new band is called "Queefly Kisses"

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

Leonardo DiCaprio is the next Alan Goldsmith.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

Feta cheese on my stone coaster.
Tapioca pearls in my iced sencha.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

@LyleShelton Why do you look and act like someone who’s been homeless for two decades? Who bought you that suit? It kinda looks like you were plucked off the streets by a shadowy cabal of puppet masters, but surely they would have chosen a puppet that was easier on the eyes, and more sane.

[Small Great Dane @SmallGreatDane]

I love my new friend. I find it very endearing the way he stares at me across the room with his mouth open. I wish more people did endearing things like that. I can’t wait to visit him every day when I go out to get my ice-cold latte.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

@SmallGreatDane Is dat ma boi Fight Pigeon?

[Small Great Dane @SmallGreatDane]

You might be thinking: who is more important to society out of pigeons and humans? I'll leave that up to you to decide, but the answer is #PIGEONS! Feed a pigeon out of your hand today and don't even worry about googling diseases afterwards because pigeons are 100% pure :)

[Small Great Dane @SmallGreatDane]

Hi everyone, I bought a big green c-cumber. Thanks for looking at my cold, crispy cuke. Don’t forget you can make cukewater as a summer lifehack any time of the year.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

@SmallGreatDane I only blaze out a tweet when I have something profound and important to say. You must be patient!

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

@SmallGreatDane I did not accept that role, no. But I could have if I wanted to.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

I'm way too cool for Metamucil.

[Small Great Dane @SmallGreatDane]

If you can't pat an Italian G-hound in real life, pat the hounds on your screen with your fingertip. I've patted hundreds of g-hounds this morning and feel great!

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

Yeah, I'm a GIRL:

Guy
In
Real
Life

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

Don't eat brown things in white pants.

[Alan Goldsmith @alangoldsmiths]

I’ll probably be too busy acting later tho 🤷‍♂️

[Small Great Dane @SmallGreatDane]

@alangoldsmiths AlAn I have so much fun playing Linkin Park Muffle Duck with you. You are the best - thank you for letting me play with you. Can we play later? I want to be the duck that gets muffled. Thank you - you are truly gold by name, gold by nature! I want to be the muffled duck. Thanks!