Kimani™

Kenyan writer|| Short stories|| Fiction|| Art||

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

'Nilimwambia nimpee 10 milion anizalie akakataa'

[Skeka @realskeka]

Little children tend to love their biological parents more.

[🐉 @Kamau266]

Mbiti alifanya visectomy na akasahau kuambia bibi now they have a brand new kid

[🍁🇲🇦🇦🇷 @LabRat_ke]

Huyu Jamaa alipelekwa prison Gani nikamvisit 😂😂

[Joel Jirani @JoelJirane]

48 Laws of power observed;

Law 3: Conceal your intentions

Law 9: Win through your actions, never through argument

Law 12: Use selective honesty and generosity to disarm your victim

Law 21: Play a sucker to catch a sucker, seem dumber than your mark

Law 22: Use surrender tactic, transform weakness into power

Law 28: Enter action with boldness

Law 29: Plan all the way to the end

Law 33: Discover each man's thumbscrew

Law 35: Master the art of timing

Law 48: Assume formlessness

A legend in my book.

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@_fels1 Watoto wa jirani are so entitled. Kipii imekuja kwangu juzi ikanipata na hill nikiskiza music ikaniambia ati uncle zima music sitaki kelele. I had to laugh first.
Then as if that was not enough, kijana akaniambia ati nimnunulie njugu ama atalia😂 In my own house. Damn.

[MethoDman @polo_kimanii]

Kama kawaida vijana,Our time to eat good again has arrived. Tomorrow we will be attending the Nairobi city Marathon once again. Not to run,but to chase. Tulisema apa ndio tunapata financially stable women with disposable income to hold us through these tough kasongonomic times. Sasa wale vijana watafuata maagizo ya mhenga,mjue hii August inaweza wapata kule mpumalanga Johanesburg kwa kina Dj Uncle wafos mkiskiza Amapiano in a house balcony in the middle of a game park. Courtesy of a strong independent woman from upper kabete

Tulisema siri ni kutegea hawa wako nyuma,hawa ata hawakiambiangi,the obese,they are here to waste time jogging because they don’t have anything to do on sunday. Sasa wewe uko hapo kuwapa moyo,ukimtolea methali, “haba na haba hujaza kibaba mrembo,lets go” ukikaa kidogo unaongeza ingine, “baada ya dhiki faraja mrembo” . Remember to call her mrembo,even if shes 65 years old,they love that.

Inturn as you’re walking,shes going to point and ask you, “weh,do you know I am old enough to be your mother,ebu stop playing” If shes smiling while saying this,bas! Umegonga ndipo.

Now reply and say “miaka yangu ililiwa na nzige” . Shes not supposed to understand what that means so she’ll ask what? This is how you start a conversation. Mwambie ulichelewa kuzaliwa,lakini makosa niya wazazi. Hapa sasa she will acknowledge this guy has wisdom,I wonder what else hes going to say. And she will tolerate you,she lowers her guard

Na tulisema Wale wako huko mbele wachana nao,hao ni walalahoi. Wamelipiwa na kampuni,hao wacha wang’enganie kushinda pesa. Sisi mambo yetu iko huku nyuma.

And make sure you have also talked about manly things like How you know a friend who was working in a Ukranian Drone manufacturing company,and you buried him recenly in kisii after he was killed by Russian spys in Mozambique

Now In finishing of the running,itakua saa saba ivi,hand her your phone,ask her for her number,,mwambie wewe ni fitness coach. Ama basket ball coach,and you’ll be happy to help her burn a few callories since you dont have much to do. Akikupea namba kesho,Dont text her,text her on Tuesday,ndio asione kama uko desperate eh?. She’ll take some time to think,and then answer on Tuesday evening,

Na juu anajifanya ataki mambo mingi,she’ll tell you to come to be training her at home,on Saturdays. She has a big compound,Theres no way shes driving her Land Rover to your gym (that doesn’t exist) in uthiru to train. Ingia youtube hiyo usiku angalia mastyle.

After 3 sessions kule karen,you must intentionally erect,Amusha kitu! and she sees it,and then you’ll tell her “jesus! This never happens” pretend you’re ashamed. Tell her theres something about her,you just don’t know what. She’ll tell you its okay

Sasa baada ya hapa,niyeye huwa anakutega. She will start by overfeeding you. Baada ya hapa ni mauwano! Na hiyo shamba lazima ulime msuri ndugu yangu,sababu hiyo ndio inaamua sasa kama next week unakula kabeji bila nyanya ama coconut fish and salad.

Wuui! Sema kimeumana. Ukipita mtihani sasa kazi yako itakua kumuombea kikongwe wako asimaliswe na diabetes angalau uenjoy maisha london kidogo. Ukingojea ile kazi ya NGO alikuambia atakuconnect. Hapa naye utakua unamkumbusha kumeza dawa buana. Juu akikufa unajua kile kinangoja apa nje. Ainuliwe yeesu!

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

Fever so bad mamae makende zimehang inches away from the body as if zinatake a breeze.
Si one daughter of mumbi ajitolee bana akuje anipepete na wig. Nigga is dying fr😂

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@JoelJirane @KorbeMzee If you have ever owned a Bosco soma hii article kuhusu huyu bad boy. A king needs his crown.
https://t.co/oi2yICUmY7

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@SharonO44776 Hivi ndo huwa unainherit laana za wenyewe. How do you accept to accompany a person to commit murder and think you are helping?

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@archiemwas Babu yangu mlevi alikuwa anaamsha kina mzae wamchinjie mbuzi and cook him liver at 1 a.m. Maini ndo angekula pekee ju ya teeth problems😂 After wamechinja alikuwa anaamka next day amesahau anawaona war ajab.

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@archiemwas Babu yangu mlevi alikuwa anaamsha kina mzae wamchinjie mbuzi and cook him liver at 1 a.m. Maini ndo angekula pekee ju ya teeth problems😂 After wamechinja alikuwa anaamka next day amesahau anawaona war ajab.

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@_kirobon The best connections utapata in life utapata from womenz. The womenz around you should matter.

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@hanoj_ibsen @_fels1 Thank you.

[Kimani™ @alapyKe]

@_fels1 If you have never attended a Ruracio soma hii article.
Hii kitu ni crime scene😂
https://t.co/JcSQk6aOAl

[Lien @Jacksonsrule]

People work 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week for someone else’s profit. Then they spend 4 hours at night staring at screens Basically, living for weekends +4 weeks PTO on repeat until age 65. While the government takes 25-30% their income And we’re told this is “normal.”

[Nicco™ @iLnico4real]

Me calling my mom to tell her she raised a king, but this king currently needs a 10k loan. 😂

[1eastside @ask2people]

Kanzu kutoka Monday hujashona?

[KABUGO @Kabugo_]

Noticed: the men who rose from absolute zero always know God personally. Not religiously. Personally.