Alexander Hamilton

Surprisingly, I was never president of the United States.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

I can say with absolute certainty that the founding fathers did not adequately offer provisions for a circumstance in which government quarters could be infiltrated by the lead singer of Jamiroquai.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a dead Federalist to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go see if losing a duel helps

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

As a technically “dead” American, I cannot vote.

But if you are still among the living and wish not to be conscripted to a life of toiling in the completely hollow coal mines, please rise from your Instagramming chair and cast your vote for all of the Democrats on your ballot.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Have you ever placed an order with Amazon dot com just to receive text messages from someone, anyone, for a couple of days?

Neither have I. I was just asking.

Unrelated: I now have something called an “Instant Pot.”

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Merry Michaelmas!

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Going to a Halloween party tonight dressed as Slutty Ben Franklin (so just regular Ben Franklin).

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

This is just like when a bad storm hit Virginia, and Washington threw bundles of cheesecloth at the (mostly dead) victims. https://t.co/hGYwtZCOni

[The New York Times @nytimes]

On his first trip to Puerto Rico since Hurricane Maria, President Trump tossed rolls of paper towels to locals https://t.co/i833H1jkof

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

@TopHamiltrash Fucketh that bro.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

It has been posited that when pizza is served atop a bagel, one can eat said pizza AT ANY TIME OF DAY! Can this be true?!

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

I hope you're all happy with this garbage society we've created where Budweiser is the hero and the Patriots win. I'm dead and I want to die

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

I haven't been this on edge since Aaron Burr shot me. Fatally.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

I miss Left Shark.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

It's not called Hotlanta for no reason.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Not even my favorite band, 3 Doors Down, can cheer me up about the loss of dignity and integrity our once great nation will face anon.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Oh, also, you should obviously not vote for the man with the boar's anus for a mouth. I think Mrs. Clinton would have been a Federalist.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Dead men can't vote. But you can! Unless you are a child or Italian person or some other worthless animal. #IDidntVoteBecauseImDead #GoVote

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Remember: there's only one letter different between "revenue" and "revenge."

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Eat that, Jackson. Welcome to the club, Mrs. Tubman. (Literally: $20 bills get used a lot at clubs.)

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

Also: Scalia was a great guy. Bite your kale-flavored tongues for a moment and consider that he never technically murdered anyone.

[Alexander Hamilton @alexanderham]

This Presidents' Day, let me remind you: I was never president.