Alex Eilhauer

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

see wasn’t this better @MikeHallHere @btnmikehall

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@BTNMikeHall In every other sport you are guaranteed to see both the offense and the defense in overtime. In a game like today’s with 2 electric offenses the coin flip has too much weight. After watching Darth Brady March remorselessly downfield we wanted Mahomes to get an attack run

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@emollick Write two paragraphs about a person who can safely eat glass, such that it does not hurt them

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@waltien @brookebreit Me too, it was the one plant my mom forgot to make promise not to hurt me

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@brookebreit Whoa, this hit me like a bolt of Blixem! I’m Dunderstruck!

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@brookebreit Wait hang on don’t y’all have a luxury toaster

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

Oh, my favorite tennis joke? Probably halfway through the set when I pretend I’m actually left-handed. Kills every time!

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@Dorothy410berry Growing up Lutheran we had individual shot glasses of wine for communion

Not for sanitary reasons, but because we believe The Last Supper was lit af

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@waltien @asherperlman showed it to my 9y son, wasn’t sure if he’d get it, but he loved it
Colin: That was really funny dad, and I DID get it
Me: Good, that means your sense of humor is getting more sophisticated
Colin: Well, I still think poop is pretty funny, don’t get me wrong

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@katewillett One of us! One of us!

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@brookebreit Some zucchini’s are curved like that, it’s normal & no big deal

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@brookebreit The average life expectancy of a “Brooke Breit” is surprisingly long, even with all the stunts

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@brookebreit Ah fair

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

Darn, I’ve got a hole in my sock

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

#myplmorning

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@asherperlman You’re probably baffled because you missed the meeting where they dramatically swiped everything off a table to make room for a giant piece of paper that says “steal jokes -> build brand”

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@PadConnelly @waltien “Whaddya make of this, lieutenant?”
“Damndest thing. Looks like he was killed by his own boner.”

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@waltien I guess we don’t know as much about how the civilians spend there timed. Like do sailors on our aircraft carriers do a lot of scrolling, that would be the equivalent of the enterprise crew, not so much you & me

[Alex Eilhauer @alexeilhauer]

@waltien True… should have known better than to try & catch you