Alex Berry

Purveyor of records and poor humour. I like watching cars drive round in circles.

[Utopia Development Corporation @utopiadevcorp]

* INTERNAL MEMO *

Upper Management would like to remind all employees that your punctuality is your responsibility. Lateness will not be tolerated.

Moving forward, every minute of lateness will receive a ten minute deduction in pay.

Remember, your work IS your life.

*ENDS*

[Utopia Development Corporation @utopiadevcorp]

-- MEMO --

Upper Management would like to remind all employees that late working is not claimable as time off in lieu.

Your workload is your own responsibility.

-- ENDS --

[Utopia Development Corporation @utopiadevcorp]

**PRESS RELEASE**

Utopia Development Corporation are happy to announce that the musical project that shares it's name with the company will be performing publicly @craufurdarmsmk on Thursday 22nd of June, in support of @phoxjaw and @spacepistolband.

Doors 7:30

**ENDS**

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

https://t.co/QMj1BdSrxc great article from @missdianemorgan. Last June, @DPDgroup_news delivered a package to a 13 year old kid stood at the bus stop at the end of our driveway because we weren't in (it was 730 am) package contained 2 bottles of rum and one bottle of whiskey...

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@DHLParcelUK yesterday's delivery failed because 'the driver couldn't access the property', which is on a mile long suburban street with no parking issues that busses drive down...

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@DHLParcelUK Package has failed to be delivered 2 days in a row. Live tracker has said the driver has been driving to same stop for the last 4 hours. Phone lines have no human option and say parcel should have been delivered an hour ago. Help?

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@realDonaldTrump Nobody stole your election. People voted you out because you're a blight on humanity. Learn to lose, loser. Enjoy your prison sentence.

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

'Sorry - our staff are off and we won't be dealing with membership queries until our clubs are open'

So in essence:
1. Our club might be open at some point
2. We're going to take your anyway
3. You can't talk to us until it's open, which is after we take your money.

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

They then go on to say that they've improved safety by decreasing the capacity at their clubs - something that was already at a premium pre-lockdown. Naturally, you can still sign up to become a new member.

'OK' we think. We'll mail them to ask to pause our membership further..

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

Just had a mail from them:

'Your club can't open immediately, but we're still going to take your money. Don't worry though, here's 5 free guest passes that we'll then use to harass whoever you bring to sign up'

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@DavidLloydUK's guide to customer service:

'1 - fuck the customer - whatever is good for our bottom line prevails'

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

In essence, @HSBC_UK have told sarah that they definitely sent a letter, despite them not being able to send letters, and the only way to sort it out was to go to a branch, which they wouldn't advise. All to fix a problem cause by them giving the wrong advice in the first place.

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

so then, after claiming Shroedinger's letter did definitely exist, we had this from @HSBC_UK

H: 'You need to go into a branch'
S: 'But we're in lockdown'
H: 'Yes, I wouldn't advise that'
S: 'Ok, so what do i do?'
H: 'Well, you have to go to a branch'

Whut?

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

Customer service 101 from @HSBC_UK here:

Sarah: 'I haven't received this letter'
HSBC: 'We definitely sent this letter'
S: 'Well, I didn't receive it. Can you please resend it?'
H: 'No'
S: 'Why?'
H: 'Our department don't send letters'

?????

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

Dear #WhiskySanta, please may you put Rammstein Rum from @MasterofMalt under my tree? I've been really good this year! https://t.co/UcaEwHYveY

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

Hey, @adamhillscomedy #isitok that even the Brexit wikipedia page is too long to navigate comfortably?

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@ASOS_HeretoHelp ah, don't worry, i see you've decided what you're going to do and done it without consulting me. absolutely useless. my first order in 18 months and you've failed at every possible hurdle. never again.

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@ASOS_HeretoHelp guys - ordered a parcel for a wedding that's tomorrow. was meant to be here yesterday. still not arrived. tracking says the courier has had it since tuesday. Any ideas? instant chat said they'd look into it and let me know in 24 hrs, which isnt much help....

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@ASOS_HeretoHelp replied to your reply..

[Alex Berry @alexisbroken]

@ASOS_HeretoHelp done