alex b

Haha :(

[alex b @alexthebehr]

Me most of the day: Things are mostly fine

Me every day at 3 PM for some reason: I have given up on the belief that I am worthy of love. I fear at this point I have closed my heart off completely and killed all the most interesting parts of myself in the process

[alex b @alexthebehr]

If she likes you she will like you my brother. Now what you’re gonna want to do is fill the sink with soapy water and put the basket right in there. Make sure to scrub the bottom as well

[alex b @alexthebehr]

Stop caring about whether or not she likes you or if she’s talking to other guys . Care instead about cleaning your air fryer

[alex b @alexthebehr]

If we make prolonged eye contact in a grocery store you are my gf now. This is just the way it is

[alex b @alexthebehr]

You’re in her dms I’m thinking about all the people who have harmed my spirit. I am trying to have compassion for them

[alex b @alexthebehr]

So excited for Dune 2 tonight Im straight up breakdancing rn and I’m actually crazy good at it. Never tried it before but I’m doing really good and everyone is clapping and cheering for me

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

Why does he talk just like me

[alex b @alexthebehr]

Being a single 27 yr old man means that you keep your clothes in the dryer pretty much permanently and sometimes you have to use a measuring spoon to eat cereal bc all the real spoons are dirty . Also you must learn to bear the near constant weight of loneliness and shame

[alex b @alexthebehr]

If I go see the Bob Marley movie in 4DX will it get me high!!!!! Okay Google if I go see the Bob Marley movie in 4DX will smoke come out of the thing and will it get me high

[alex b @alexthebehr]

I’ll be watching a show and I stop paying attention and go on my phone and then I go “ohhh shit I missed all that” and then I go back to the same spot and then immediately go back on my phone. I do this 150 more times and then I fall asleep. One day I will die

[alex b @alexthebehr]

Heyyy sorry I can’t come out tonight I’m busy cringing so hard at things I’ve said and done that I almost throw up

[alex b @alexthebehr]

Me all day before 1 PM: Fuck!!!!!!!!! I see no way out of this misery

Me after a single sip of a 1 PM Coke Zero: Oh hell yeah. We’re rocking and rolling now

[alex b @alexthebehr]

For some reason The Lord does not want for me to be happy. Nor does he want me to be able to beat this one level in the new Sonic game

[alex b @alexthebehr]

One time I smashed a cicada with a pool skimmer because I thought it was a giant wasp trying to sting my dog and then I looked it up and it turns out they live underground for like 15 years before coming out and I felt so guilty that I cried. Im so brave for sharing this

[alex b @alexthebehr]

@squiggy_pop Wont put them on to read subtitles though smh

[alex b @alexthebehr]

Me waking up in the morning after eating 10000 slices of pepperoni at 1 AM:

“My stomach hurts . It can only be cancer”

[alex b @alexthebehr]

@whoremond It worked exactly as advertised

[alex b @alexthebehr]

I got one of these as a kid and literally the first time I threw it the wind took it and it went for miles. My papa had to drive through all the surrounding neighborhoods to find it but he never did. It literally fucking soared into the sky and disappeared like Team Rocket

[Historic Vids @historyinmemes]

"The Hot New Toy" HoverDisc commercial in 2003

[alex b @alexthebehr]

When I was little there was a kid on my street that was an Ass hole to me and then one day he broke my dad’s headlight w a ball and he had to come apologize to my dad and he was sobbing and I was just standing there smiling at him the whole time. It was so gangster of me

[alex b @alexthebehr]

I don’t know what Radiohead put in The National Anthem but every time I listen to it I want to drive fast as hell on the thru way & commit all different crimes