alexandeR

a powerful rat. she/her

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

When I was like 13 I told my mom that when I got married I would hire a mistress for my husband so I didn’t have to sleep with him.

So I’m not sure why this woman had the AUDACITY to act shocked when I started dating women.😂

[Keefler @Keefler_Elf]

who’s the most terrifying person could imagine talking to while on shrooms. i think mine is Dr. Phil

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

People that drink Diet Coke in the early morning deserve their own zoo exhibit.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

I do not care about a single other person on this earth besides Heidi Klum.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

I told my roommate I had a blood transfusion today and she left my room and came back with a bottle of moonshine.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Staying on topic is definitely my strong suit.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Just a conversation with myself and my manic episodes apparently..

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Ya know the mouth on the captain painting in the intro to SpongeBob SquarePants?

I need to know who that is so I can kiss them.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

I’m a self-loathing bitch with a heavy god complex.
Love me but do not fucking bother me.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

When I was a bartender a guy asked my coworker to get me but didn’t know my name so he described me as “the ethnically ambiguous girl with the hair.”

And she was just like “I gotchu” and came and retrieved me.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

A friend of mine told me that she gaslights her girlfriend into thinking her second toe is longer than her first toe and it’s all I’ve thought about for a week.

[Erica @PrettEinPink]

When y’all see me in this swimsuit mind ya bidness. I thought we was gonna die for like the last 3 years so I been snackin. This beach gonna get the body I give it.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Posting a photo of myself and get a message from my toxic ex? Thank you for feeding into my god complex💅

Like sis go catch a dick?? I know you were plenty good at that while we were dating so I’m sure it won’t be hard now💃🏽

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Call me a tease like it’s an insult? Baby that’s my occupation.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Making sure my brother stays being an ally.

[Peach PRC @peachprc]

my ex thought the eggs in my ovaries had shells on them. and i think about that every time a man makes a decision on womens bodies.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

Imagine being married to a member of the blue man group

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

To the people who gush about how they “love my energy”..
Thank you.. but I am worried about you because I just told you I haven’t slept in 4 days,cackled,shed a tear and lost every single one of my belongings while talking to you.
This is not the energy you need to strive for😂

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

@sdg38 Come hang out tonight

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

I once told a girl that i’d “LOVE to have an abortion”.
And while that was an incorrect choice of words in regards to the conversation.. I stand by that HEAVY rn.

[alexandeR @AlexxDavidson]

@buttcloset This is the funniest thing that will ever be written.