alfredo dfsdf

[Richard Cobb @therichardcobb]

If Green Day were Scottish

[Lil Nissan Jessica @Adnarchives]

Bro who the FUCK was I texting

[Elle Nolastname @1992dyke]

emily blunt bringing up her circa 2007 dating rumors with anne hathaway any chance she gets

[𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐡 .𖥔 ݁ ˖ @ddeadbutterfly]

someone blocked me because i said i wouldn’t personally call myself a fan of a game if i hadn’t played it ….

[only 1 uzama @KaiUzama]

I had a weird dream last night. Someone was chasing me in my dream & mid way I stopped running and told him I just realized this was a dream & that he should stop wasting his time cause I’ll soon wake up.

He legit stopped and sat beside me in silence & my alarm went off😭

[primordial soup kitchen @fernbirg]

Listen if we’re both unmarried by 40 you’ll get a job as a city bus driver and run me down for half the lawsuit settlement.

[؟ @lebanesegojo]

went to uni today and someone born in 2009 was registering

[francesca | STARS chris enjoyer .ᐟ @corcnacht]

me trying to act all cool and casual after showing up to zahrik’s house (I didn’t wanna wait for an airplane, so I turned into chris redfield and flew one instead)

[6ɪx✦ @6ixxtar]

The dentist asked if I floss regularly and I lied and said yes like everyone does but then he got really quiet and said "interesting because your gums are telling me a different story and they seem pretty honest." Got so flustered by being called out that I just blurted "well my gums are LIARS" and he stopped the exam to write that down. Just pulled out his phone and typed it. When I asked what he was doing he said "I collect the wildest things patients say, this is top ten." Now I'm wondering what else is on that list and also I'm worried there's a dental conference somewhere where my dentist is giving a presentation and there's a slide that just says "well my gums are LIARS" anonymous patient, 2024. Started flossing consistently after that because I refuse to give him more material. Went back for a cleaning six months later and he looked genuinely disappointed that I'd improved. Asked if I had any "thoughts about my teeth I'd like to share" and I know this man wanted more quotes. Sorry Dr. Richardson my gums are honest now.

[tia @ilovevoicenotes]

Damn i used to wake up on 100 in 2024

[insipiens sapiens @shiyahaaa]

@LadPsycho it sits on the edge, it feels its own shame

[The gal who stole the sun 🔆💥💣 @LadPsycho]

Been laughing at my roommates steak 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[RandomVendom @RandomVendom]

how it feels gifting my friend a steam game for his birthday while I'm in his steam family

[cameron 🐇𖦹 @butchmrdarcy]

tweet of all time

[Xurkitree @Inferno7786]

everytime i use this video as a reaction it takes like 2 minutes to upload so i basically only use it when it's absolutely necessary it's like the atom bomb

[mel 🪐 @itsmelavery]

shawn hatosy tweeting mohabbot monday and then never tweeting again

[bagagwaa @bagagwaa]

I just interrupted my server and bartender arguing about Israel in front of customers by asking them if they thought Shrek is a mammal or an amphibian. I think I’ve figured this manager shit out.