ale

a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs
ed and mh vent ; she 22

[ale @alienrexic]

first day at the structure and it's absolute hell on earth. i tried explaining to my mother how unbearable it is but she said she's not taking me home and that i have to stay here. i've never felt this desolate in my life. i've survived death but idk if i'll survive this place

[ale @alienrexic]

so they forced me to reintroduce one med just in case and i will get an admission date on thursday

[ale @alienrexic]

psychiatrist just called and told me i have to be at the mental health centre in an hour to meet the director of the psychiatric structure i'm supposed to enter. they need to determine whether i'm stable enough to be admitted. i’m so anxious omg

[ale @alienrexic]

my only fear is them forcing evil meds on me. they experimented with all kind of shit over the years i’m so done. i ditched another med two weeks ago and i felt better idc they’ll have to accept i’m a contrarian. i’m on lithium and lorazepam already i won’t accept anything else

[ale @alienrexic]

up crying and trying not to be heard

[ale @alienrexic]

still awake overthinking. i’m heartbroken. i should've just asked

[ale @alienrexic]

i just reread what i wrote and realised i sound completely delusional. unrequited love has to be some kind of mental illness because why am i acting like this over a man who has no idea what's going on inside my head

[ale @alienrexic]

went to see the guy i like playing at a concert only to spend the afternoon watching him being suspiciously close with a girl. does this count as self harm

[ale @alienrexic]

must be because i’m either shy or ugly or both. i know. maybe in a few months when i (hopefully) become pretty i'll ask him to hang out. until then i'll just keep showing up at concerts every now and then to remind him that i exist

[ale @alienrexic]

turns out the man was actually a former electrician so he started pulling cables out and found two burnt wires. then he went back home to get replacement cables and came back to fix everything. he stayed here until about 3 am but at least the problem is solved. got no sleep tho

[ale @alienrexic]

the electricity suddenly went out at home. there’s no electrician available at this hour and all i can think about is the food in the fridge going bad, not being able to charge my phone and potentially not even being able to shower because there’ll be no hot water-

[ale @alienrexic]

for who knows how long. now my mother has called an acquaintance to come over and have a look at it even though i doubt he has a clue how to solve it. i'm so so stressed. i was supposed to go out tomorrow but of course some shit had to happen

[ale @alienrexic]

@sixxdoz i see. ty!

[ale @alienrexic]

not only is my acne still bad it got even worse. i tried all different kinds of skincare products and nothing seems to help. i just get uglier by the day idk what to do. i need a gun

[ale @alienrexic]

@sixxdoz i also have combination skin and i've been wondering if i should switch to an spf specifically for oily skin because what if my sunscreen is contributing to the breakouts? idk

[ale @alienrexic]

@sixxdoz it does get rid of the acne but if i skip even one day it immediately flares back up ugh. maybe i just need to be more consistent with it