My exercise regimen consists of 10 reps of bicep curls with 20 pound dumbbells and then immediately picking up my 5 ounce phone.
The phone is weightless and floats in my hand.
I feel like Arnold for 15 seconds and call it a day.
https://t.co/weIXFU7UkE
I am finding masks now in all my clothes. For some reason, I still get surprised as if I found twenty bucks in an old jacket. At the current rate of inflation, soon enough a mask will cost more than $20. I'd brand them COVID-20.
https://t.co/kLPqog7Kmx
I realized I am getting old when I started getting swollen prostate ads on YouTube. I watch one black and white movie clip and they think I was born during the Great Depression. https://t.co/SuvVB70g0I
Whenever I reach to my pockets, I find a mask and I still get surprised as if I found $20 in an old jacket. With the current rate of inflation, soon enough a mask will be worth more than 20 bucks.
I've decided to get a pilot's license. Not because I want to fly, reach new heights, and soar into the stratosphere. I am learning how to fly so that my wife stops commenting on my driving.
https://t.co/d1ghHoeQ2z
The most cleaning we ever do around the house happens the day before the cleaner comes.
It doesn't happen for any other occasion.
https://t.co/MGjnDNXiMZ
I don't close closet doors.
It drives my wife crazy.
I don't intend to - it just never crosses my mind. It seems more efficient to keep them open all the time.
Why bother closing the closet if I have to re-open it every day?
https://t.co/b1JXKsoMD4
Have you EVER been a prostitute, or procured anyone for prostitution?
Have you EVER been married to more than one person at the same time?
Have you EVER been affiliated with The Communist Party or any other totalitarian party?
https://t.co/aEDH8dHsah
I think the weather exists just to facilitate small talk.
It is not about environmental benefits and providing the necessary conditions for the survival of all organisms. It is about the survival of humans in awkward situations.
https://t.co/Ly7DlsTaN4