Allergics Anonymous

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[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

My exercise regimen consists of 10 reps of bicep curls with 20 pound dumbbells and then immediately picking up my 5 ounce phone.

The phone is weightless and floats in my hand.

I feel like Arnold for 15 seconds and call it a day.

https://t.co/weIXFU7UkE

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I am finding masks now in all my clothes. For some reason, I still get surprised as if I found twenty bucks in an old jacket. At the current rate of inflation, soon enough a mask will cost more than $20. I'd brand them COVID-20.
https://t.co/kLPqog7Kmx

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I realized I am getting old when I started getting swollen prostate ads on YouTube. I watch one black and white movie clip and they think I was born during the Great Depression. https://t.co/SuvVB70g0I

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

Whenever I reach to my pockets, I find a mask and I still get surprised as if I found $20 in an old jacket. With the current rate of inflation, soon enough a mask will be worth more than 20 bucks.

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

@elonmusk and @SpaceX will send humans to Mars before I am off the hold with Expedia to change my flight to LA.

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I've decided to get a pilot's license. Not because I want to fly, reach new heights, and soar into the stratosphere. I am learning how to fly so that my wife stops commenting on my driving.

https://t.co/d1ghHoeQ2z

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

The most cleaning we ever do around the house happens the day before the cleaner comes.

It doesn't happen for any other occasion.

https://t.co/MGjnDNXiMZ

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

Shakira taught us that hips don't lie. Mine don't move.

At all.
https://t.co/B4CzquZay3

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I don't close closet doors.

It drives my wife crazy.

I don't intend to - it just never crosses my mind. It seems more efficient to keep them open all the time.
Why bother closing the closet if I have to re-open it every day?
https://t.co/b1JXKsoMD4

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

Have you EVER been a prostitute, or procured anyone for prostitution?
Have you EVER been married to more than one person at the same time?
Have you EVER been affiliated with The Communist Party or any other totalitarian party?
https://t.co/aEDH8dHsah

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I think the weather exists just to facilitate small talk.

It is not about environmental benefits and providing the necessary conditions for the survival of all organisms. It is about the survival of humans in awkward situations.

https://t.co/Ly7DlsTaN4

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I feel an odd sense of achievement when my pee is clear like water.
https://t.co/inuPmzmRdN

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

The mother of all of P-words is prioritization. Prioritize everything: plans, projects, proofs of concept.
https://t.co/TlJ2tmbtdG

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

Last week, I thought my wife wanted to replace me with an app.
https://t.co/kNGGfX8rGk

[Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon]

I moved from Egypt to the United States five years ago looking for opportunity, for freedom, for bacon.
https://t.co/e7TLlggY6d

[InboxReads 💌 @inboxreads]

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