allisonFM

Philosopher. Marketing & PR professional. Just tweeting the strange things I hear.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

“I’m a millennial. You can’t threaten me with debt.”

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

“I’m a swindler, Jeff. I thought we had established that.”

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

@MarsSampson Wylie Coyote is probably better for adults, if that’s how little dudes are choosing their role models.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

That fucking coyote is so confident. He fucks up over and over and still thinks he has the perfect plan.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

I don’t chop wood, I just drink.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

“We’re allergic to dogs and we don’t eat cats.”
-Neighborhood kids

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

You’re usually way more sleepy, and I’m usually way more creepy.
-the BF

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

“Fuck yeah! I will fucking fiddle all night!”

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

“I’m winded. I need a cigarette break.”

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

You’re so bad at things that you can’t even get friend-zoned without paying for it!?!

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

S: Dude, don’t be throwing cars at me.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

11yo: I hate that SnapChat filter. It makes my teeth look yellow and I look like Shelly Duval.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

H: Don’t pee in my beer!

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

11yo: He’s either a cowboy or he’s gay... or both.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

Neighbor girl stops by the house...
Girl: I’m only 6yo, you know.
Me: You’re awfully smart for 6.
Girl: *raises on eyebrow*
Me: And you have a pretty awesome eyebrow stare.
Girl: That’s just my face.
Me: Well, you sure do awesome things with it.
#weirdkids #smalltown

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

I’ve been using that name for two decades. 🤣

[Al Yankovic @alyankovic]

Sure, the Grammys and platinum albums are nice and all, but now I know I’ve finally made it: they just re-named the alley next to the Darwin, MN Twine Ball.

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

“Dead people are the weirdest people I’ve ever met.”

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

People aren’t property. Love cannot exist when control is more important.
#love #respect #RelationshipGoals

[allisonFM @allisonmfm]

C: How old are you? 36? 35?
A: Umm... 44.
C: Oh, wow! You must dye your hair or something.