thebabyfaceassassin

Brought to you by food, sleep and low self-esteem.

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

Dear strangers who follow me on twitter,
Please only take 5% of what I say on twitter seriously. I have a weird and sad sense of humor.

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

Quick!!!! Someone update the PowerPoint!!!

[Pop Base @PopBase]

Margaret Qualley and Jack Antonoff have separated after 3 years of marriage, PEOPLE reports.

(https://t.co/uPz5t5hcUl)

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

Feeling very emotionally numb rn. Which celebrity should I diss, so their fans can attack me and I can feel something?

[matt @snoruntt]

She is like a the mega church pastor of pop music

[Soleil @soleiljolina]

I don’t care how bad life gets I’m not watching lοve iѕland

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

Off Campus showed me that I am in fact very weak, and fold easier than a paper napkin.

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

I hope that this ends up being an article about parasocial relationships and Stan culture, but I have a feeling it will not be.

[End Wokeness @EndWokeness]

World Cup tourists in NYC tonight…

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

Stateside, a gas station. I drank a frozen blue beverage too quickly, and was struck down by a punishment this entire nation knows, and accepts, and has named.

The drink is called a slush. Ice, sweetness, and a blue that does not occur in nature. The day was hot. I was thirsty. I drank like a soldier at a river.

The pain arrived in my skull like a war horn.

Behind the eyes. Above everything. Total. I gripped the roof of my car. I may have made a sound.

"Brain freeze," said the cashier through the door, with no urgency whatsoever.

It has a NAME. The affliction is so common it has a household name, like a cousin.

"Tongue on the roof of your mouth," called a man at the pumps. He did not look over. He prescribed the remedy mid-pump, casually, the way one mentions weather.

I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. The war horn faded. The healer nodded at his pump, finished, and was gone in a Chevrolet.

In my land, punishment follows crime by way of courts and seasons. Here, the sentence is instant. Drink with greed, and the ice strikes the mind directly. No trial. No appeal. Perfectly fair.

And here is what moves me. EVERYONE has felt it. The cashier. The healer. Children. Elders. An entire nation united by the same small lightning, all taught the same cure, all passing it on to strangers at gas stations, free of charge.

You cannot fully distrust a country once you know it shares one pain.

The freeze does not punish thirst. It punishes haste.

I finished the slush slowly, like a scholar. Blue tongue. Clear mind.

Then at the door I forgot everything, drank deeply, and was struck down again.

"Tongue, hon," said the cashier, without looking up.

Discipline is a journey.

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

[DOJA CAT @DojaCat]

hey elon if u see this please put the audio post feature back on here. Thanks, u frog build looking bitch. Barrel chested ewok u look like u eat sand.

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

my head is full of poison
my heart is full of doubt
i got toxins in my bloodstream

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

How it would go if I every had a podcast:
Episode 1: Hello World
Episode 2: Apology
Episode 3: Why I was cancelled
Episode 4: Why I am getting sued
Episode 5: This is goodbye

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

Can we skip summer and go straight to September?

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

It’s always, “you’re so hot”
It’s never, “it was like shooting a sitting duck. A little small talk, a smile, and baby I was stuck.”

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

I don’t like dates
I don’t like to date
I don’t like getting to know people

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

“Do you have kids?” Me:

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

I always know my mental health is bad when I start seriously considering moving to a different city.

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

Adult friends and new couples who track each other on Life360 is such a red flag.

[thebabyfaceassassin @ally495]

I don’t care how old I get, I will always get uncomfortable watching sex scenes with my mom.