AloomaRay

I'm talking to God. Or the Gin is. It's tough to say for sure.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me why Santa isn’t getting into heaven anymore. And you guessed it. 100% Amber Heard’s fault.

#AmberHeard #AmbersFault #JohnnyDepp #heardvsdepp

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

I asked God who’s smarter, #Yoda or #ElonMusk? Guess Her answer.

#Yoda #ElonMusk #MayTheFourth @MayThe4th #YodaVsElon #ElonVsYoda

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me St. Patrick's Day was invented by the Swiss in the early 1900s. But I'd bet my Irish Army Knife that She's wrong. #StPatricksDay

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me that dolphins aren't as smart as people say. So what. It's not their brains I'm attracted to, if you know what I mean.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God says She isn't afraid to torture the damned while they're still on earth. Which totally explains what's happening to Carrot Top.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me that I really should put my pyjama bottoms back on. Isn't that just like Her? Always siding with Mall Security.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me She really hates it when I pray to Yoda instead of Her. Looks like jealousy really is a green monster.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God asked me what I did with my eyebrows? It's pretty obvious what I did with them. The question is, can She help me get them back.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me to give everything I have to the Kardashians. Somehow that doesn't seem right to me. I mean, what would I have left for Miley?

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

I asked God for an extra row of teeth. I assumed She knew I wanted them in my mouth, but beggars can't be choosers I guess.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

@Maxeightyeight Cheers.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me there's no free Wifi in heaven. She says She wants everybody to have a good time, but it's not like She's running a charity.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me She's got a plan for everyone of us. Except for Randy Jackson. He's on his own.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me my vasectomy didn't take. Terrible news. But it explains why all the cats in the neighbourhood look like me.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God says I went "too far" with my implants. Maybe with the left one...maybe.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

@itsrealwords @miamiheat_mix And for a parrot made of gold...but that still talks... But only when it's got a great stock tip.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

@CrazyMohawk76 Bless you.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

@CrazyMohawk76 @lelandmauro Wow. And to think of all that incense I wasted.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me not to drink the subway water. But She changed Her mind when She saw how much I liked it. She's really great like that.

[AloomaRay @AloomaRay]

God told me we are all brothers and sisters. I'm just glad I found out before my date on Saturday.