Antonio Aguilar

anne frank denier and capricorn

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

.@chelbymorgan: what was it Roger & Ebert said?

It's not Roger and Ebert

C: fine, Sisqo & Ebert

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Why did Trump blow up a school doesn't he like little girls?

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

I hate how flies can fly anywhere they want and still choose shit over delicious chicken. What a waste of wings.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

When you're out of calories for the day but you just made your kid some spaghetti

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

I hate when the barber makes you look at a mirror to approve the back of your head

I never look I just say good job

Could have been my parents having sex in that mirror I’d say thank you good job

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Plenty of fish in the sea, but what if I'm a worm?

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Just got a "my pleasure" at a Burger King, I think I may have just been helped by his Majesty Himself.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

I'm sick of bad parents, it would take an active shooter for some of y'all to put your children first.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

When people believe in you as a comedian, they give you brutal advice like "stop working so much and focus on being silly."

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

They could never set Scream in present day, a flat screen won't kill you.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

I'd rather have a conversation with a clavicle than Clavicular

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

I'm too moody to be a pro wrestler, half way through I'm like "aw hell nah imma start tryin"

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Someone living in my head was behind on rent so I posted an eviction notice but then my forehead was bleeding and I couldn't see.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Latinos who voted for Trump deserve death by chanclatazos.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Latinos who voted for Trump disappoint me so much que ya ni quiero hablar inglés.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

The only time a dozen Latin children should be screaming in a cage is at a McDonald's Play Place.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Posting an ugly selfie is godlike.

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

"As bullied on Kill Tony, make some noise for your headliner...Open Mic'er!

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

"Iran intelligence chief killed" by our stupidity chief.

[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC]

@BigFish3000 Nice try. I took the Amtrak home.

We tried to pay TSA almost a dozen times and Republicans said no every time. Then the GOP Speaker closed session last night and sent everyone home.

Please Google what party is in charge of Congress right now. The answer may surprise you!

[Antonio Aguilar @alpacapone]

Protect costs at all costs!