Amber Anderson

I wear bright colors to warn people I'm poisonous.
#comedy
#UFO
#alien

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Best weekend ever @ #TCS2017 connections, breakthroughs, & the official #tcsnotes https://t.co/EbxEDpK77s https://t.co/kV09hyowDY

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Get the official #tcs2017 notes at https://t.co/BWL4OLZb3j

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Brushed, flossed, mouthwashed...
It's basically a spa in here. #momlife

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

I have been wearing the same clothes since Monday and just cried at Daniel Tiger. I need out. #momlife

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Drink girls bff.

#macncheese

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Lindsey Graham, you do not live in the Matrix. You may not change reality.

#GOPDebate

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters Rick Santorum. Ghostbusters.
Are you even American?

#GOPDebate

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

This published restroom is more stocked than the bathroom at my house.

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

What is with the massive amount of veteran parking at home depot? How many veterans come here at once?

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Because I happen to have a bunch of containers perfect for holding teeth.

#toothfairy #parentinghumor

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

And on that note I made a meal plan:

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Shopping for the week like:

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

My lips have been *almost* chapped for a month. I can either have flaky red mouth ring, or slimy chapstick mouth ring.

#killme

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

I just want one minute uninterrupted to eat my bowl of cut up hotdogs and barbecue sauce like the adult that I am.

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

3 step hangover cure: Tylenol, food/water, nap.

Parent version: die.

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

I'm having pizza rolls and wine for dinner because I'm in that awkward place between being 20 and being 35. #pizzarolls #thanksgiving

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

I'm going to drink wine and coffee now to save my thanksgiving health. #antioxidants #happythanksgiving

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Whoever said two kids on holidays would be fun didn't have kids. They're also a fucking liar. #happythanksgiving #parenting

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

Let me summarize. Don't.

[Amber Anderson @ambermallow]

I'm pretty sure I could survive on coffee, Thai food, and hot wings.