Irwin Schwab

(( Account abandoned until new ownership can be... negotiated 👀 ))

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

((So I've decided I don't want this account any more but I'm gonna hold onto it in case @DCComics ever wants to hit me up about relinquishing the handle, DM me with a price and negotiations will begin.

Anyway, thanks for all your support everyone, don't ever speak to me again))

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

It is my deepest wish to be shrouded in a confusing mesh of myth and fact, so you all have my permission in the future to show up at my funeral and give wildly conflicting accounts of my life and the events within it

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

Of all the Spiderman universes you could have been born in, you were born in the one where he is a fictional character

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

Clark Kent isn't a coward, he just hates Superman. He always runs off when disaster strikes cos he knows Superman will be there soon, & he can't stand the guy.

Clark Kent, famous reporter, has to remove himself from a breaking news story, to keep from throwing hands at Superman.

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

"The average human eats 3-8 spiders per year" is actually a statistical error. The average person eats zero (0) spiders per year. Spider Sam, who lives in a cave & eats over 10,000 spiders per day, is an outlier and should not have been factored into the study.

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

The real reason Batman keeps training kids is so that there's always a cascading order of vigilantes to deal with. If you defeat one, there's always a slightly smaller one just behind them ready to pick up the slack.

Batryoshka Dolls.

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

But why did Buzz Lightyear act like a toy when Andy came into the room, if he didn't think he was a toy?

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

Y'know, I hear some people say they pick their nose, but I think I was just born with mine

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

I don't know why, but I've kind of always been terrified of elevators. I think I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

Spiderman would be way less cool if he wasn't living in a city filled with skyscrapers

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

Nick Fury's super power is Human Resources

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

If you think about it, technically Batman lives in his parents' basement

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

Are you saying a chicken fried this rice?

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

I don't have a massive inferiority complex.

It's just average sized.

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

@TheHecklerDC @Blast_Action @LetsTalkHeckler I'll bring... The Chair™

[A LOVELY DALEK @ToLoveADalek]

IF YOU ARE LONELY JUST TURN OFF ALL OF THE LIGHTS AND PUT ON A HORROR FILM. AFTER A WHILE, IT WILL NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ALONE ANYMORE.

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

At a loss for words? Here's a few you can use:

Absquatulate
Tellurian
Netizen
Paraph
Blatherskite
Skelf
Ylem
Superbious
Logomachy
Emacity

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

What if Mike was short for Micycle and bike was short for bichael

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

What if an alien just casually walked into your house, woke you up, & asked you for permission to probe Uranus, then just giggled & ran away

[Irwin Schwab @AmbushBug]

At least SOMEONE laughs at my jokes.

It's me.

I laugh at my jokes.